Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?

Monday night my six year old daughter came running to my bedroom with tears streaming down her eyes. She was crying so hard I could barely decipher the words coming out of her mouth. "Mommy, I miss daddy.... Life isn't the same without him.... Why did he have to die???? Why didn't God heal daddy????I wish God would let him come back."

Why can't the difficult questions my children ask be "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Why, at seven and six do they have to ask "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?"  Most six year olds are playing with toys, learning to read and watching their favorite television shows. For the most part, so is my daughter but then there are nights like Monday where the tears stream down her face for an hour. Or there are days where I find her in her bedroom, holding a picture of her dad to her chest silently crying and when she sees me asks, "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?" 

My children ask me question…

Mommy, do you want to get re-married?

My children ask me some tough questions and while I love that they feel comfortable asking me anything and am thankful that they aren't afraid to come to me with whatever thoughts and questions are on their mind, there are times when they ask me a question and I am lost trying to come up with an answer. Hannah often asks me when I am going to get re-married because she wants a dad. Malachi will usually reply that he is happy with us being a family of three. Those conversations I can handle. I can come up with some sort of reply to satisfy those questions and comments. But the other night my son asked me a question that I found pretty difficult to answer.

He asked,"Mommy, do you want to get re-married?" It shouldn't be so difficult of a question to answer. It is either yes, I want to get re-married or no I do not. However, it was difficult. It was complicated. It was confusing. I came up with an age-appropriate answer to the question but after my children fell asleep…

A Fatherless Father's Day.....

My children no longer have a living father, but we will still celebrate Father's Day. I will be the first to admit that Father's Day is the hardest holiday for me. I can do well on Christmas, Thanksgiving and even my husband's birthday and the day he died (Valentine's Day) but Father's Day... that's a tough holiday.

It's the day everyone is celebrating dad's and how do you celebrate Father's Day when the person you are celebrating is in heaven? It's a whole day reminding me that an amazing father is no longer living. Sunday sermons are dedicated to the role of fathers. Social media posts are full of people celebrating their dad. Restaurants are packed as families go out to eat. For those who have lost a father, or in my case my husband who was an amazing father, Father's Day is particularly difficult. While I could spend the day laying in bed avoiding the day, that is not a good message to send to my children.

My children lost their…

Widowed in your thirties.....

Did you know May 3rd was National Widow's Day? Neither did I until I became a widow last year.

A person is not supposed to become a widow (or widower) in their thirties. I thought I would join this club when I was 90, not in my thirties. I thought my husband would grow old with me and not die at 31. I thought my children would have decades with their dad, not lose him when they were 5 and 6. When we think of the widow, we think of someone who is in their 90s', was married for 60 years and has children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Yet there are many faces of a widow. No one wants to join this club called widowhood. The initiation is brutal. The journey painful.

I am the face of a widow. When I am taking my children to their doctor appointments, shopping in the store, or on vacation no one would suspect I am a widow. And yet I am. I used to describe myself as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a Christian, a writer. I now add widow to that list. Becoming a wid…

God is close to the brokenhearted

They say grief is like the ocean waves in the background of this picture.

 In the beginning when loss is first experienced, the waves are brutally powerful and they hit relentlessly without taking much pause in between waves. They knock you down. They hit and hit and then hit some more. As time passes, the waves are further apart, but I've found they hit with the same force. This week has been tough. I miss my husband. I miss the father of my children. I miss the things we used to do. I mourn the things we were never able to do. Last night I asked God if it was always going to hurt so much. Because it hurts a lot. Almost 15 months have passed since my husband was alive, but it still hurts...a lot. I've gotten so used to being an only parent and a widow there are times it seems hard to remember that I was once a wife and co-parent. And that hurts. I have found that it's just not holidays or birthdays when the waves of grief come.

For me this week the wave hit when I was tea…

Lord, Help me with my unbelief...

When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014 we believed that not only could God heal him, but that God would heal him. There were many times within his two year battle with cancer, that we witnessed God perform what science said could not be done. And so with all of my heart, even when the situation became so bleak, I trusted, had faith and declared that my husband would be healed on earth. But he wasn’t healed on earth. God didn’t perform the miracle we so desperately wanted. God allowed a 31 year old to die. He allowed a thirty-something year old to become a widow. He allowed a five year old and six year old to become fatherless. And when God called my husband home to heaven, I started to lose something.
I didn’t lose my love for God. I didn’t lose my praise to God. I didn’t lose the worship I offered to God. I didn’t lose the gratitude I had towards everything God was doing in my life. I didn’t lose my belief that God could do anything. But I started to lose my …

Why aren't you over it yet?

Why aren't you over it yet?

Thank God I don't get hate mail, but I follow other widows on social media and these are the types of questions they receive at times. Those who ask are probably well-meaning but they don't understand grief. They don't understand what it is like to have a spouse die.

This has been a tough week. I was hoping I was over tough weeks. Some have said that the second year of grief is harder than the first but the first month after the one  year anniversary of my husband's death was a pretty good month. I could feel the healing. I could feel restoration. But then I had a tough week.  And I guess I'm not over tough weeks. And I realize that I probably won't ever be over tough weeks.

And honestly that realization kind of sucks. 
 I cried driving home from church on Sunday because my husband wasn't there any more to sit next to me in church. I cried while making dinner on Monday because I wasn't making dinner for my husband. I cri…