My name is Kimberli and my husband, Melchor, was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014. The blog began as I chronicled his journey with cancer. He never stopped praising God in the midst of all he was going through. He passed away on February 14, 2017 and is now rejoicing in heaven. This blog now chronicles a stage of life I didn't think I would enter until I was in my 80s or 90s, that of widowhood.
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When we are still
Yesterday the ride to church was typical. Not even down
the street from the house and the cute adorable voices repeatedly called “mommy.”
“mommy, what sound do dogs make?”
“mommy, is the sun sleeping?”
“mommy, why are those trees green?”
“mommy, can I have water?”
“mommy, did you bring my toys?”
(Constantly saying "Mommy"
Well those weren’t exactly the questions that were asked
by I am pretty sure for the entire 20 minutes it took us to get to church, my
name was called at least 50 times.
We get to church at 9 in the morning because my husband
plays the bass guitar and he has practice. So for the 30 minutes that he
practices, my children also demand my attention. We walk to the water faucet a
few times, the bathroom a couple times and around the sanctuary to burn off
energy. At least a few times, I have to usher the littlest one out towards the foyer
because she is talking (well screaming) a little too loud. And then during
worship, my children test the width of my lap by both of them attempting to sit
These are the moments I cherish, but from the time my
son walks into the room to wake me up in the morning my attention is devoted to
them. My amazing husband (he is) works on Saturdays so there are times I feel
pulled in so many directions. The weekly laundry needs to get done, the carpet
vacuumed, the bathrooms cleaned. In addition, my children need me…and all of
me. They need my focus and my attention.
(my children NEED my attention)
And so my days are filled with noise. I have made it a
purpose to make spending time with God in prayer a priority. This is difficult
at times. There are ALWAYS toys to pick up. There are ALWAYS dishes that need
to be washed. There are ALWAYS clothes that need to be washed and put away.
There is ALWAYS dinner that needs to be made. There is ALWAYS two children and
a husband that DESERVE my attention. Even when I go to sleep there is ALWAYS
noise. I am constantly thinking of the things that need to get done.
Yet I have discovered that if I am always living in
noise I live a physically drained and emotionally depleted life. I need stillness.
The Bible tells us “Be Still and know that I am God.” And while there might be
a different context that the scripture was written, I believe it is so
important that I am STILL. I need to daily make it a point to find time to be
STILL and rest in the presence of God.
Last night I sat on the couch downstairs and I looked at
the toys scattered throughout the house. My children were sleeping, my husband
and I were fortunate enough to be able to have a date after church and I
allowed myself be STILL in the presence of God. I allowed myself to not care
that the toys were on the floor, and that there was a basket of laundry
upstairs. I just sat and meditated on the goodness of God.
I encourage you to allow yourself to be STILL on a daily
basis. I encourage you to drown out the noise of a marriage that is crumbling.
Drown out the noise of a pregnancy that is not coming to pass. Drown out the
noise of another year that you are single. Drown out the noise of the financial
troubles. Drown out the noise of the worry that is trying to consume you. Drown
out the noise of the job situation. Drown out the noise of the bleak diagnosis.
Drown out the noise of your messy house. Drown out the noise…..
And just be STILL. Because it is when we are STILL that
we are able to rest in God’s peace. When we are STILL we are able to hear God
speak to our life and in our life. When we are STILL we are able to hear Him
gain the victory over our situation. When we are STILL we are able to gain strength
for the mountain in front of us. When we are STILL we able to gain comfort.
More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus.
My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.
To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …
On February 14th I lost my best friend. My husband. The father of my two precious children. Since then I have cried a multitude of tears. My heart feels shattered. I am 36 and the pain I feel is immense and so I can't even begin to imagine how the pain of losing their dad feels to a six year old and five year old. Our house feels so empty. Pictures of my husband fill each room as do memories. It is so hard to convey the pain the one feels from losing someone they loved so much. Last night I held a five year old girl as she sobbed uncontrollably because she missed her dad so much. And when she finally fell asleep from crying, I slipped out of the bed, went to the loft and then cried uncontrollably myself. I absolutely know that my husband is in heaven and I have so much peace that he is not suffering anymore. When I think of all that he had to endure the last two years of cancer treatment I am thankful that he is not in pain any longer. He had chemo dripping through his body at tim…
I woke up a wife today but am going to sleep a widow. My children woke up today with a dad they could touch and are going to sleep with just memories. Mel's body was too tired. Too exhausted. He had fought for so long. And he could not fight any longer
Crushed. That word doesn't describe how I feel. Death is hard. But this was unexpected. We were planning hospital discharge plans last Thursday and the expected discharge date was February 14th. I had no idea that he was going home just not his earthly one.
Devastated. Because I don't know how to go through life without my husband by my side. The Bible talks about what two get married they become one and so I feel like half of me has been taken away. He was an amazing husband. God truly knew what I needed in a husband and while I am devastated I only got seven years of marriage with him, I am blessed to have had those seven year.
Heartbroken. More than the pain I feel from losing my spouse I am broken over the fact that my k…