My name is Kimberli and my husband, Melchor, was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014. The blog began as I chronicled his journey with cancer. He never stopped praising God in the midst of all he was going through. He passed away on February 14, 2017 and is now rejoicing in heaven. This blog now chronicles a stage of life I didn't think I would enter until I was in my 80s or 90s, that of widowhood.
Subscribe to this blog
Follow by Email
Just a shy girl
I have always been the “quiet one.” That is how I would
characterize myself. I definitely am not the life of a party. I probably would
feel more comfortable skipping the party. I am not one to talk randomly to
strangers. When I was in graduate school, my grade for the class depended on me
talking. I would say three things each class and then be done for the rest of
the evening. I am not a social butterfly.
My desire though has always been that God would use me. I
can still picture myself as an 18 year old sitting in the second row in my
church in Modesto praying that God would use me. I had no idea how He would use
me or in what capacity that He would use me, but that was my sincere prayer.
But I was just a shy
girl. I don’t stand out in a crowd. I don’t have a massive amount of talent or ability.
I probably wouldn’t be picked first for a team. But in my prayers, I would tell
God that I would be available to Him. My prayer was that in any way He could
use me, I wanted to be used by God.
I prayed like Isaiah, “Here am I Lord, send me.” I didn’t
know how God would use me. I didn’t know what doors He would open. I didn’t
know what direction He would send me, but my prayer was that I would go in the
direction He sent me.
Everyone has a “I am just a shy girl” moment. Maybe you
literally are not shy, as I am, but there is something that you think hinders
God from using you. Maybe it is a past, maybe it is your family background,
maybe it is your age, maybe it is your gender, whatever it is you pray “God use
me” but there is a little bit (or maybe a lot) within you that doesn’t think
that God will actually do it.
The Bible is full of people who were also “just a shy girl.”
Esther was an orphan. David was the youngest. Moses didn’t have confidence.
Ruth wasn’t Jewish. Deborah was a female. Jeremiah was a teenager. Sarah and
Elizabeth were old. Yet these were all individuals who made themselves
available to God and He used them greatly. Those who sincerely desire to be
used by God do not seek out the platform, they don’t seek after applause, and
they don’t seek after recognition. They seek after God.
God often calls people to do things they wouldn’t naturally
choose for themselves. He told Jeremiah “But the LORD said to me, "Do not
say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I
command you.”Jeremiah thought he was
too young, but even before he was in his mother’s womb, God knew exactly what
He was going to have Jeremiah do. The same is true for each of us. Even before we
were known to our parents, God knew the plan and the purpose He had for us.
If God calls us to do something, He is going to give us the
capability to complete it. We need to walk in confidence. God called Moses, yet
Moses doubted. He said what many of us say “But God..” We pray that God would
use us, but then when He calls us to do something we say “But God…” There have
been many times I have done that.
“God you want me to pray with that person…But God I am shy…”
“God you want me to speak….But God I am shy…”
“God you want me to send that person an encouraging letter…But
God I am shy…”
“God you want me to go to another country on a short term
mission trip….But God I am shy…”
“But God I am shy….”
Yet God is working on me.
“You have prayed that I use you. You have told me that you
are available to me. I have called you. I am pointing you in directions that
you may not have chosen yourself, but it is I who is working through you.”
He told Jeremiah, “Do not say that I am just a youth.” He is
saying that to us as well
“Do not say that you are just a shy girl.”
“Do not say that you have a past.”
“Do not say that you are too young.”
“Do not say that you are too old.”
“Do not say that you have no connections.”
He uses those who make themselves available to Him. Today I am going to start walking in confidence that whatever God has called me to do, He will give me the ability to complete. I am no longer going to say "I am just a shy girl."
More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus.
My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.
To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …
On February 14th I lost my best friend. My husband. The father of my two precious children. Since then I have cried a multitude of tears. My heart feels shattered. I am 36 and the pain I feel is immense and so I can't even begin to imagine how the pain of losing their dad feels to a six year old and five year old. Our house feels so empty. Pictures of my husband fill each room as do memories. It is so hard to convey the pain the one feels from losing someone they loved so much. Last night I held a five year old girl as she sobbed uncontrollably because she missed her dad so much. And when she finally fell asleep from crying, I slipped out of the bed, went to the loft and then cried uncontrollably myself. I absolutely know that my husband is in heaven and I have so much peace that he is not suffering anymore. When I think of all that he had to endure the last two years of cancer treatment I am thankful that he is not in pain any longer. He had chemo dripping through his body at tim…
I woke up a wife today but am going to sleep a widow. My children woke up today with a dad they could touch and are going to sleep with just memories. Mel's body was too tired. Too exhausted. He had fought for so long. And he could not fight any longer
Crushed. That word doesn't describe how I feel. Death is hard. But this was unexpected. We were planning hospital discharge plans last Thursday and the expected discharge date was February 14th. I had no idea that he was going home just not his earthly one.
Devastated. Because I don't know how to go through life without my husband by my side. The Bible talks about what two get married they become one and so I feel like half of me has been taken away. He was an amazing husband. God truly knew what I needed in a husband and while I am devastated I only got seven years of marriage with him, I am blessed to have had those seven year.
Heartbroken. More than the pain I feel from losing my spouse I am broken over the fact that my k…