My name is Kimberli and my husband, Melchor, was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014. The blog began as I chronicled his journey with cancer. He never stopped praising God in the midst of all he was going through. He passed away on February 14, 2017 and is now rejoicing in heaven. This blog now chronicles a stage of life I didn't think I would enter until I was in my 80s or 90s, that of widowhood.
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Just a shy girl
I have always been the “quiet one.” That is how I would
characterize myself. I definitely am not the life of a party. I probably would
feel more comfortable skipping the party. I am not one to talk randomly to
strangers. When I was in graduate school, my grade for the class depended on me
talking. I would say three things each class and then be done for the rest of
the evening. I am not a social butterfly.
My desire though has always been that God would use me. I
can still picture myself as an 18 year old sitting in the second row in my
church in Modesto praying that God would use me. I had no idea how He would use
me or in what capacity that He would use me, but that was my sincere prayer.
But I was just a shy
girl. I don’t stand out in a crowd. I don’t have a massive amount of talent or ability.
I probably wouldn’t be picked first for a team. But in my prayers, I would tell
God that I would be available to Him. My prayer was that in any way He could
use me, I wanted to be used by God.
I prayed like Isaiah, “Here am I Lord, send me.” I didn’t
know how God would use me. I didn’t know what doors He would open. I didn’t
know what direction He would send me, but my prayer was that I would go in the
direction He sent me.
Everyone has a “I am just a shy girl” moment. Maybe you
literally are not shy, as I am, but there is something that you think hinders
God from using you. Maybe it is a past, maybe it is your family background,
maybe it is your age, maybe it is your gender, whatever it is you pray “God use
me” but there is a little bit (or maybe a lot) within you that doesn’t think
that God will actually do it.
The Bible is full of people who were also “just a shy girl.”
Esther was an orphan. David was the youngest. Moses didn’t have confidence.
Ruth wasn’t Jewish. Deborah was a female. Jeremiah was a teenager. Sarah and
Elizabeth were old. Yet these were all individuals who made themselves
available to God and He used them greatly. Those who sincerely desire to be
used by God do not seek out the platform, they don’t seek after applause, and
they don’t seek after recognition. They seek after God.
God often calls people to do things they wouldn’t naturally
choose for themselves. He told Jeremiah “But the LORD said to me, "Do not
say, 'I am too young.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I
command you.”Jeremiah thought he was
too young, but even before he was in his mother’s womb, God knew exactly what
He was going to have Jeremiah do. The same is true for each of us. Even before we
were known to our parents, God knew the plan and the purpose He had for us.
If God calls us to do something, He is going to give us the
capability to complete it. We need to walk in confidence. God called Moses, yet
Moses doubted. He said what many of us say “But God..” We pray that God would
use us, but then when He calls us to do something we say “But God…” There have
been many times I have done that.
“God you want me to pray with that person…But God I am shy…”
“God you want me to speak….But God I am shy…”
“God you want me to send that person an encouraging letter…But
God I am shy…”
“God you want me to go to another country on a short term
mission trip….But God I am shy…”
“But God I am shy….”
Yet God is working on me.
“You have prayed that I use you. You have told me that you
are available to me. I have called you. I am pointing you in directions that
you may not have chosen yourself, but it is I who is working through you.”
He told Jeremiah, “Do not say that I am just a youth.” He is
saying that to us as well
“Do not say that you are just a shy girl.”
“Do not say that you have a past.”
“Do not say that you are too young.”
“Do not say that you are too old.”
“Do not say that you have no connections.”
He uses those who make themselves available to Him. Today I am going to start walking in confidence that whatever God has called me to do, He will give me the ability to complete. I am no longer going to say "I am just a shy girl."
More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus.
My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.
To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …
This past week my social media was inundated with engagement and wedding posts. It seemed as though everyone was either getting married or engaged during the month of November. And as I scrolled through the many pictures I began to think of those who are filled with guilt or shame over their past and who every time they see an engagement announcement or wedding picture think within themselves "that will never be me."
You have convinced yourself that because you had sex outside of marriage, or because you were in an unequally yoked relationship or because you are a single parent, or because before you were a Christian you had an abortion, or because even though you didn't have sex you didn't maintain sexual purity, (the list can go on) that you don't deserve or never will get that "happily ever after."
Your sin may have been exposed to all due to a pregnancy or maybe yours is hidden in shame and secrecy and you are afraid to even admit what you have don…
Monday night my six year old daughter came running to my bedroom with tears streaming down her eyes. She was crying so hard I could barely decipher the words coming out of her mouth. "Mommy, I miss daddy.... Life isn't the same without him.... Why did he have to die???? Why didn't God heal daddy????I wish God would let him come back."
Why can't the difficult questions my children ask be "Mommy, where do
babies come from?" Why, at seven and six do they have to ask "Mommy, why
didn't God heal daddy?" Most six year olds are playing with toys, learning to read and watching their favorite television shows. For the most part, so is my daughter but then there are nights like Monday where the tears stream down her face for an hour. Or there are days where I find her in her bedroom, holding a picture of her dad to her chest silently crying and when she sees me asks, "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?"