Can this just be a bad dream?
Can I just wake up and go back to how it used to be?
The life with the sink full of dirty dishes.
The life of toys all over the place.
The life with loads of laundry piled up needing to be put away.
But more importantly can we just wake up and go back to the days where my husband was healthy?The days where he was able to play with the kids. The days where he would throw them in the air, run around with them and cuddle with them.
Can we wake up and go back to those days?
Can we not be in this reality?
The reality of my husband laying in a hospital bed.
The reality of him having cancer.
The reality of him not being at home with me and the kids.
Our new life consists of me alternating nights between the hospital and home. Our new life consists of our children only seeing their dad for about 30 minutes a day. Our new life consists of watching the chemo begin to affect Mel.
And I wish this was only a dream. I can't believe it is reality. I can't believe that my husband whose only 29 has cancer. I can't believe that my 4 year old son and 3 year old daughter have to have this as a part of their life.
And I wish this could be a bad dream.
This reality is not easy. This reality was never something I thought could happen to us. And I know this is not a bad dream. I know this is our reality. I know this is something that is not going to go away if I just close my eyes hard enough. But I also know that I serve a God who will not leave us during this difficult time. John 15:13 says "Greater love has no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friends." That is what Jesus did for me. He laid down his life. He allowed himself to be persecuted. He allowed himself to hang on a cross. He did it because He loves me. He didn't just do it for me, He did it for everyone. That is the greatest form of love.
And I know that in this dark situation, God's light can shine through. I think of Esther in the Bible. She was an orphan and then was forcibly married to a king who had just gotten rid of his first wife. I am sure Esther wished many times that it was just a bad dream. And I am sure she asked God why this was happening to her. But Esther never stopped serving God. And God used that dark situation to save the Jewish people. Joseph also probably wished at times that it was all just a bad dream. He was sold by his brothers and thrown into prison. But Joseph told his brothers "But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt." He later told them "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives"
Even in dark times, God still has a plan. He is still in control. He still sits on the throne. We are living in a dark time right now. Our reality is not very pleasant. But I take great comfort from the words of the Bible. I know that this situation will not defeat us. I know that God's plan and purpose for our life will be fulfilled. I do not believe that God gives people cancer, but I do know that God is still our healer. I also know that He died for me. His love for my husband is so great. Just like He used the palace to use Esther and just like He used the prison to use Joseph, I know that God can use this cancer to use my husband and myself.
And as the Bible states "His praises shall continually be in our mouth."