I don't want to...


 
Today my husband has been sleeping most of the day. Chemotherapy began a few days ago. I have lost track of time since we have been in the hospital. It seems like forever but it hasn’t been a full week yet. There are different types of chemo being administered. One is a 3 hour twice a day chemo that is administered through an IV. Another type was a two hour chemo administered through his spine. And a third time type was administered through the IV and took 30 minutes. He has a couple days of no chemo and then he begins the cycle again. The nurse said within the next few days he will begin to feel the effects of the chemo. One of the side effects of the steroid that he is getting is continual hiccups. He has had hiccups for the past 5 days. In addition, other side effects are nausea, fatigue, mouth sores, loss of appetite, hair loss, and the need for blood transfusions. Those are just a few.

 (The night we started dating)


Everything is different. To think that In December I was happy because our credit card, our Toyota and one of my student loans had been paid off and we were finally going to be able to start really saving money. We were planning on when to put the house up for sale and discussing schooling options for Malachi.  We were excited because Mel was about to start his last semester at the community college before transferring.

Then this…

I am a little more open in my blog because I know less people see my blog than my FB statuses. But our income has been cut in more than half and it will be a year before my husband can work. Because the health insurance is through my job, I have quite a few deductions on my paycheck. My check alone does not cover our every day bills and that doesn’t include groceries, gas and the medical bills we have. I have no paid time off left. I took this week off as unpaid since it is the first week of chemo. Next week is my spring break but after that, regardless of what is going on, I will have to work every day until summer break.

And I know that every day it will literally will be us having to depend on “the manna from heaven.”  And I am going to be honest, I don’t want to. God has been providing for us. Thus far our account has not gone dry. Our bills have remained paid. And I know it is God. But I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t want to be sitting in a hospital watching my husband sleep because he is sick. I don’t want to know that my 3 and 4 year old probably do not understand what is going on. Hannah is not potty trained yet. Malachi doesn’t know how to write his name. Those were things I was planning on working on but I don’t know when I will be able to teach them. I have no idea how to work a lawn mower. My Ford needs air in the tires. I do not want to have to deal with this for an entire year. I don’t want to…

It seems like there are thousands of things on my plate and I want some of them removed. Maybe I am being too honest. But when I read the story of David I see honesty. He asked God many times why it appeared that his enemies were prospering.  He described being weary and his heart being overwhelmed.

And so I will be honest. I think it is important to be honest. I think it is important for people to know what we are facing. But I also think it is important for people to see even though I am crying, even though I hate the position we are in, I am still looking to the Lord for help. I don’t want our family to be in this situation, but I will continue to place my trust in God.

The scriptures say:

Psalm 125: 1

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people from this time forth and forever.

And so I am placing my trust in the Lord. I know that God surrounds us in this storm. I know that He will get us through.

Another verse states:

Psalm 121:1-6

I will lift up my eyes to the hills- from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and the earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber…The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day nor the moon by night.

God is our help. He will give us the strength we need. He sees every single one of our needs and I know He will take care of us. He will not allow this situation to defeat us. He will see us through. When the angel appeared to Mary and told her that her relative Elizabeth conceived in her old age, the angel said “For with God nothing will be impossible.” And I know that God is speaking that to us as well. With him there is nothing that is impossible. I know that His hand is upon us. And I know it is He who wipes our tears. The Bible also says “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who have a crushed spirit.” Our hearts are aching, but God is near.
So although I don't want to have to deal with any of this, I know God is right there besides us. I know He will get us through. I know His strength will sustain us.

 He is my best friend. I hate seeing him sick.

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