My name is Kimberli and my husband, Melchor, was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014. The blog began as I chronicled his journey with cancer. He never stopped praising God in the midst of all he was going through. He passed away on February 14, 2017 and is now rejoicing in heaven. This blog now chronicles a stage of life I didn't think I would enter until I was in my 80s or 90s, that of widowhood.
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I don't want to...
Today my husband has been sleeping most of the day. Chemotherapy
began a few days ago. I have lost track of time since we have been in the
hospital. It seems like forever but it hasn’t been a full week yet. There are different
types of chemo being administered. One is a 3 hour twice a day chemo that is
administered through an IV. Another type was a two hour chemo administered
through his spine. And a third time type was administered through the IV and
took 30 minutes. He has a couple days of no chemo and then he begins the cycle
again. The nurse said within the next few days he will begin to feel the effects
of the chemo. One of the side effects of the steroid that he is getting is
continual hiccups. He has had hiccups for the past 5 days. In addition, other
side effects are nausea, fatigue, mouth sores, loss of appetite, hair loss, and
the need for blood transfusions. Those are just a few.
(The night we started dating)
Everything is different. To think that In December I was
happy because our credit card, our Toyota and one of my student loans had been
paid off and we were finally going to be able to start really saving money. We
were planning on when to put the house up for sale and discussing schooling
options for Malachi. We were excited
because Mel was about to start his last semester at the community college
I am a little more open in my blog because I know less people
see my blog than my FB statuses. But our income has been cut in more than half
and it will be a year before my husband can work. Because the health insurance
is through my job, I have quite a few deductions on my paycheck. My check alone
does not cover our every day bills and that doesn’t include groceries, gas and
the medical bills we have. I have no paid time off left. I took this week off
as unpaid since it is the first week of chemo. Next week is my spring break but
after that, regardless of what is going on, I will have to work every day until
And I know that every day it will literally will be us
having to depend on “the manna from heaven.”And I am going to be honest, I don’t want to. God has been providing for
us. Thus far our account has not gone dry. Our bills have remained paid. And I know
it is God. But I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t want to
be sitting in a hospital watching my husband sleep because he is sick. I don’t
want to know that my 3 and 4 year old probably do not understand what is going
on. Hannah is not potty trained yet. Malachi doesn’t know how to write his name. Those were things I was planning on working on but
I don’t know when I will be able to
teach them. I have no idea how to work a lawn mower. My Ford needs air in the
tires. I do not want to have to deal with this for an entire year. I don’t want
It seems like there are thousands of things on my plate and
I want some of them removed. Maybe I am being too honest. But when I read the
story of David I see honesty. He asked God many times why it appeared that his
enemies were prospering. He described
being weary and his heart being overwhelmed.
And so I will be honest. I think it is important to be
honest. I think it is important for people to know what we are facing. But I
also think it is important for people to see even though I am crying, even
though I hate the position we are in, I am still looking to the Lord for help. I
don’t want our family to be in this situation, but I will continue to place my
trust in God.
The scriptures say:
Psalm 125: 1
Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which
cannot be moved, but abides forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so
the Lord surrounds His people from this time forth and forever.
And so I am placing my trust in the Lord. I know that God
surrounds us in this storm. I know that He will get us through.
Another verse states:
I will lift up my eyes to the hills- from whence comes my
help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and the earth. He will not
allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber…The Lord is your
keeper; The Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you
by day nor the moon by night.
God is our help. He will give us the strength we need. He
sees every single one of our needs and I know He will take care of us. He will
not allow this situation to defeat us. He will see us through. When the angel
appeared to Mary and told her that her relative Elizabeth conceived in her old
age, the angel said “For with God nothing will be impossible.” And I know that
God is speaking that to us as well. With him there is nothing that is impossible.
I know that His hand is upon us. And I know it is He who wipes our tears. The
Bible also says “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who
have a crushed spirit.” Our hearts are aching, but God is near.
So although I don't want to have to deal with any of this, I know God is right there besides us. I know He will get us through. I know His strength will sustain us.
More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus.
My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.
To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …
This past week my social media was inundated with engagement and wedding posts. It seemed as though everyone was either getting married or engaged during the month of November. And as I scrolled through the many pictures I began to think of those who are filled with guilt or shame over their past and who every time they see an engagement announcement or wedding picture think within themselves "that will never be me."
You have convinced yourself that because you had sex outside of marriage, or because you were in an unequally yoked relationship or because you are a single parent, or because before you were a Christian you had an abortion, or because even though you didn't have sex you didn't maintain sexual purity, (the list can go on) that you don't deserve or never will get that "happily ever after."
Your sin may have been exposed to all due to a pregnancy or maybe yours is hidden in shame and secrecy and you are afraid to even admit what you have don…
They are getting remarried already! Didn't their spouse just die? They sure do move on fast.I would never remarry if I lost my spouse... The list can go on... I came across an article today about a famous individual whose wife died 15 months ago. This famous individual recently got engaged and I read the comments under the article and they brought tears to my eyes. Many people said that he must not have loved his wife because he was engaged so soon after her death. Some of the key words I read were “that was so fast,” and “moving on so quickly.” The headline of the article even stated “just 15 months after his wife’s death” when referring to his engagement. And those words stung because the people who were writing them must not have experienced the pain of losing a spouse, because if they had, they would offer support rather than judgement. Unless you have had to say good-bye to your spouse you cannot fully understand the pain a widow feels. Yet, some are so quick to judge how a per…