I wish...

I wish

I wish I was on the beach in Hawaii right now.

I wish my house was sold and I was moving into my dream house.

I wish...

But I'm not...

Instead I'm sitting in a hospital again.

I can see the mountain in front of me. The mountain of no paid leave off left. The mountain of an oil change and low air pressure in my tires. The mountain of hospital bills. The mountain of no money in my bank account. And the mountain of having to explain to my 4 year old and 3 year old that daddy is sick. Because the biggest mountain is the mountain of cancer.

The doctors have told my husband the cancer has returned. It's so easy when we are in a situation to look at the mountain. It's easy to grow weary. It's easy to get upset. It's easy to get mad. But it's so important to keep our eyes on the one who gives us strength to climb that mountain.

Because the mountain will not defeat us. The mountain will not destroy us.

Some might ask "where is your God?" I want to let you know God is so real in my life.

God healed my husband the first time. Every medical professional told us they hadn't seen that before. Do I understand why I am sitting in the admitting room of a hospital today? Absolutely not, but I'm sure Joseph didn't understand being thrown into a pit, elevated to a position in the palace only to be thrown into prison. I'm sure hannah didn't understand the years of being barren. I'm sure david didn't understand being anointed king just to spend years on the run.

They may not have understood the mountain in front of them but they never took their eyes off God. They understood that God had a purpose and a plan. My feet are planted. The wind may be blowing, the storm may be raging but God is still God and He is in control.

I absolutely don't want to have to go through this. I don't want to see my husband have to receive chemo. I don't want my children to have to experience this. But I know God has a plan and a purpose. I know God will see us through.

I'm sure I will cry many tears. I'm sure this road is going to be difficult. But God is God.

 This was taken in 2008 when we first started dating