My name is Kimberli and my husband, Melchor, was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014. The blog began as I chronicled his journey with cancer. He never stopped praising God in the midst of all he was going through. He passed away on February 14, 2017 and is now rejoicing in heaven. This blog now chronicles a stage of life I didn't think I would enter until I was in my 80s or 90s, that of widowhood.
My fear is that the memories my children have won't be of the trips we used to take the zoo.
My fear is that they won't remember the pancakes I used to make for them in the morning.
My fear is they won't remember the road trips we used to take and the hotel stays.
My fear is they won't remember the summers when I would take them to the park and the children's museum.
My fear is they won't remember the laughter.
My fear is their memories will be filled with hospital stays and doctors.
My fear is that they will remember me not from the times we would play outside and run around but they will remember the exhaustion I had.
My fear is that they won't remember the late night cuddles but they would remember the nights when I wasn't at home.
My fear is that their memories will be filled with the effects of chemotherapy on their dad.
My fear is that birthdays and holidays will be spent in hospitals.
My fear is I won't be able to give my children the attention they need.
My fear is that I will be so focused on other things that I won't be able to teach Malachi how to read or ride a bike and that Hannah will be almost 4 and not be potty trained.
My fear is that one year of treatment will turn into two years and two years will turn into three years.
My fear is that milestones like the kids starting kindergarten or playing soccer or taking swimming lessons will be overshadowed by cancer treatments.
My fear is that I will not be the mom that I should be.
My fear is that I will be so overwhelmed and exhausted that I will somehow fail my kids.
My fear is that I won't be the wife I should be.
My fear is that one year of treatment will turn into a relapse and my children will know more about cancer than they should ever have to.
My fear is that my children will not have the childhood they deserve and that their memories will be of me being preoccupied.
My fear is that their memories will be filled with the financial inability to do things.
My fear is that they will hear phrases like "we can't afford to do that, we don't have money for that and I don't know how we will pay for that."
I do have a lot of fears. There are a lot of thoughts that swim through my mind. I am not going to lie or try to hide the thoughts that go through my mind. This has been the longest and hardest three months of my life and I do not look forward to the many more months that are to come.
Yet as I write I talk to God and I pray. And I give my fears to Him. I present my worries to Him.I don't try to hide what I am thinking. God already knows. I lay them at His feet. And I acknowledge that there is nothing that I can do to change the situation we are in and so I trust that He will make a way. And my fears do begin to fade. And the strength begins to rise again. So for those who are praying for us I ask that you would pray specifically for all of the fears I listed.
Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 55:22 "Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."
I Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."