But I'm not. I'm waiting for the nurses to give my husband his second platelet transfusion. I'm listening to the dr tell him that his WBC keeps dropping even though they are giving him shots. I'm sleeping on the most uncomfortable couch in a hospital room because my husband has cancer. I'm exhausted beyond description. I'm having to make the difficult decision between staying with my kids at night or staying with my husband. I'm looking at a calendar of days my husband has been in the hospital and the chemo calendar.
And I wonder why. Why did my husband have to get cancer? Why couldn't it be a murderer? A dead-beat dad? A drug abusing mom? Why my husband?
Why does this have to be our life? Why does my husband have to endure a year of chemo? A year of hospitals? Why do we have to deal with a loss of income? Why do we have to worry about bills? Why do my children have to spend nights without their parents? Why do they have to see their daddy sick?
And so I wish I was doing what I see others on FB doing. I wish I could rewind life back to when life was simple and just play that day over and over again. I wish God would show me the last page of this chapter so I could see when this nightmare ends.
Because it's only April. One month only has passed since the chemo began. And I get a headache thinking we have at least 6 cycles of chemo left, at least 6 more hospital stays and then bone marrow transplants. I don't know why this has to be our life.
It hurts to know everything is on hold. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etcetera. All of my plans for our life. Hold, hold, hold!
I wish we could go back to the days of Saturday morning pancakes, trips to the zoo and just because toys. I wish we could go back to the days of family weekend get aways. I would even go back to the days of messy houses and busy schedules.
Yet as much as I hate what my family is enduring. As much as I hate seeing my husband sick. As much as I absolutely hate cancer my trust is in God. I have no idea why our family is faced with this. But in the good and in the bad, God is still God and He is still good. The praise I give to God is not determined by our situation. He was good when our life was great and He is good now that my husband has cancer. My relationship with God is secure and our foundation has not been shaken.
I'm drained. I'm exhausted. But I'm not defeated! We don't just declare God's goodness when things are going according to our plans. We trust God even when the situation doesn't make sense and our life has been turned upside down. We believe in Him and gain our strength and peace from Him.
While I wish we were doing the things people on FB are posting about I'm going to lean on God and trust in Him because I know that He will help us get through what is the most difficult thing we've had to endure.