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Showing posts from May, 2015

my umbrella in the midst of the storm

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I will trust you.

Life is getting difficult right now.

But I will trust you.

Things aren't working according to my schedule,

But I will trust you.

The doors I thought would open this year haven't,

But I will trust you.

We got thrown a curve-ball,

But I will trust you.

I don't understand what is going on,

But I will trust you.

I will trust you

Because I know you love me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you care about me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you have not abandoned me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you have not forgotten me.

I will trust you

Because I know that in my darkest times, you are right besides me.

I will trust you

Because I know that even though I don't know what tomorrow holds, you know every day of my life.

I will trust you

Because you are God.

I will trust you.

I am weak. And I am weary. I am exhausted. And I am drained.

But I will trust you.

I will serve you. I will love you. I will walk on this path because I know you are rig…

I just cried

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There are times that Hannah refuses to walk. She will plop herself on the ground and demand to be picked up. She refuses to take another step. And there are times I feel like Hannah. I feel like plopping myself on the ground, throwing a temper tantrum and telling God "I am not going to take another step." I feel like yelling "Don't you see my pain? Don't you see that I am tired?" There are days I want to just tell God that I refuse this path He has allowed us to take. There are days when I don't know how I am going to make it. Days when I look at the calendar and get so angry that it is only May because I know there are 6 cycles of chemotherapy left. Six more 2-3 week hospital stays. And I just want to sit on the ground and tell God that I am not getting up and I am not moving.

Last night after church I went into the restroom and I cried. I had forced the tears to stay in for too long and I didn't think I would make it to the car without crying. I …

Pretending it is all ok

When my husband is home from the hospital I can almost pretend he isn't getting treatment for cancer. I can pretend our life hasn't been uprooted. And so for the past two weeks since he's been home I have tried to act like everything is normal. But then it will hit me, as it started to yesterday that our life has been uprooted. Next week Mel goes to the transplant doctor and the following week it's back to the hospital. Back to me balancing a full time job and a 4 year old and 3 year old while my husband is getting chemo. It's back to having to spend nights apart. It's back to exhaustion. It's back to my kids not being able to see their dad daily. It's back to my husband spending 15 days in a hospital. And it's hard. And I wish life was the way it once was. I wish my husband wasn't sick. I wish I didn't have to figure finances out with only one income. I wish we were celebrating my husbands last semester at the community college. But we'…