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I just cried

There are times that Hannah refuses to walk. She will plop herself on the ground and demand to be picked up. She refuses to take another step. And there are times I feel like Hannah. I feel like plopping myself on the ground, throwing a temper tantrum and telling God "I am not going to take another step." I feel like yelling "Don't you see my pain? Don't you see that I am tired?" There are days I want to just tell God that I refuse this path He has allowed us to take. There are days when I don't know how I am going to make it. Days when I look at the calendar and get so angry that it is only May because I know there are 6 cycles of chemotherapy left. Six more 2-3 week hospital stays. And I just want to sit on the ground and tell God that I am not getting up and I am not moving.

This is what I want to do sometimes!
Last night after church I went into the restroom and I cried. I had forced the tears to stay in for too long and I didn't think I would make it to the car without crying. I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want anyone to know that there are some days I am just hanging on by a thread. I didn't want anyone to know that there are some days where it takes so much energy just not to break down and cry.  I know there are so many people who would probably take my phone call in the middle of the night if I just needed to talk, but there are days when this road is so lonely. And there are days when I just need to cry by myself. There are days when I just don't want anyone to know just how much pain I am in. There are days when I don't want anyone to know just how weary this road has made me feel.

This week has been tough. Driving down my street, on the way to a transplant appointment with my husband, I saw a "sold" sign on a home around the corner from my own. And I almost lost it. That was my dream for this year to sell our house. And I wonder why our dreams have been deferred. Why isn't our home on the market? Why aren't we spending our Saturdays looking at prospective homes? Why aren't we grumbling about having to paint the walls and clean the carpets? Why aren't we enjoying the last semester of school for my husband? Why aren't we planning a trip that we can take as a family this summer? Why have our dreams been deferred? Why does my husband have cancer? Why my family? Why do we have to deal with this while others get to enjoy life?

This was taken last year, before cancer. Malachi wanted pancakes so I dropped everything to make him pancakes. I feel as though those care-free days have been stolen from us. 
The kids wanted to go to the Tower of the Americas last year. So at 8 in the evening we went. There aren't many spontaneous trips anymore. Not that many just-because toys. Cancer seems to dominate our life now

There are days when I don't want to go to God in prayer, because I am so hurt. There are days I want to just pretend that this is not something we are dealing with. There are days I want to ignore the still voice of God, because I don't want comfort because that means I am in pain. And I am in pain because my husband has cancer.  I don't want strength because it means that I am weary. And I am weary because my husband has cancer. I don't want peace because it means that I have so many questions. And I have so many questions because my husband has cancer. I don't want joy because that means I am sad. And I am sad because my husband has cancer. I don't want provision because that means I have a need. And I have a need because my husband has cancer. I just want God to take all of this away.

But I am in pain. And I am weary. And I do have questions. And I am sad. And I do have a need. And as much as I just want to plop on the ground, throw a tantrum and not take another step, I run to God.  There are times my children throw tantrums out of disobedience, but there are other times when they cry because there is a pain they are experiencing and they just don't know how to express what they are feeling inside. And what they need is a mother's love. And so in the midst of their pain, I offer them comfort. I scoop them up into my arms and I embrace them. I let them cry on my shoulders.

Words can't convey the love I felt towards my children the first time I held them During our darkest time, I am reminded that God loves me more than I love my children. And that is amazing because the love I have for my children is great.

And God has been doing that exact same thing with me. My pain and my feelings do not equate to me turning my back on God. There has not been one time that I have told God I was going to stop serving Him. There has not been one time that I have told God I don't love Him because of what we are going through. But I have been honest with my pain. Because it is painful seeing your husband lying in a hospital bed receiving chemotherapy. It is painful knowing that your children don't understand why daddy doesn't get to spend the night at home. It is painful what we are going through. Even though we know that God is going to get the victory in the end, the path we have to take to get to that victory is painful.

Yet I am reassured because I know that even when I am too weary to pray, God comes to me and scoops me in HIs arm and offers me comfort. Even when I just want to throw a tantrum and not move God reaches down with His loving arms and holds me. When I want to pretend that everything is okay, God wipes those tears from my face and He reassures me that He is not offended by my pain. He is not upset that I don't want to deal with this. He lets me know that He is full of love. And He lets me know that in the darkest time of my life, He is there. And when I don't know how we are going to make it, God lets me know that He will never leave our side and that He will give us exactly what we need when we need it.

And He whispers to me "Take another step. Let that tear fall down your face. I see your pain. I see your hurt. But I also see you getting through this. I am not leaving you. I am not abandoning you. I am right besides you, every step of the way."

"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13)

Here are some more pre-cancer pictures:


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