Pretending it is all ok

When my husband is home from the hospital I can almost pretend he isn't getting treatment for cancer. I can pretend our life hasn't been uprooted. And so for the past two weeks since he's been home I have tried to act like everything is normal. But then it will hit me, as it started to yesterday that our life has been uprooted. Next week Mel goes to the transplant doctor and the following week it's back to the hospital. Back to me balancing a full time job and a 4 year old and 3 year old while my husband is getting chemo. It's back to having to spend nights apart. It's back to exhaustion. It's back to my kids not being able to see their dad daily. It's back to my husband spending 15 days in a hospital. And it's hard. And I wish life was the way it once was. I wish my husband wasn't sick. I wish I didn't have to figure finances out with only one income. I wish we were celebrating my husbands last semester at the community college. But we're not. We are meeting with transplant doctors. We are getting our kids ready for another hospitalization. We are doing things I never thought we'd have to do. And I hate it. I absolutely hate that this is our life right now. I hate that we have to depend on others to donate in order for our bills to be paid. I hate that my husband will spend a significant part of 2015 in the hospital. I hate that my children have to go through this. I hate it! I'm transparent because I think sometimes as Christians we feel the pressure to act like everything is ok for fear of people thinking we don't trust God. As Christians we fake a smile when we are hurting because we think people will think we aren't strong in our faith. I'm not smiling right now. I'm not happy with what's going on. But I trust God. I'm not walking away from my relationship with God. I'm transparent not just with you but  I've been transparent with God. I've laid it all at His feet because that's what He wants. He wants me to be real with Him. He wants me to be honest about the pain. And I go to Him because I know He's the only one who truly gives me the strength to take another step. He's the one who gives me peace. He's the one who comforts me. I let Him know how much this hurts. I let Him know that without Him I won't be able to take another step. I let him see the tears fall down my eyes. I am praising God through this storm but that doesn't mean I have to like what we are dealing with. I know God will get us through and I believe that something great can come out of this pain.


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