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Showing posts from June, 2015

The next twenty-one days

My family and I have faced separation a lot this year. My husband has been hospitalized six times since December and has spent upwards of two weeks in the hospital at the time receiving chemotherapy. My children have been forced to spend many nights without their father and the nights I alternate at the hospital they are also without me. There are many days they do not get my full attention as I have to work and handle the household responsibilities while my husband is away. My husband typically has two and a half weeks home between each chemotherapy cycle and so we make it a point to spend quality time as a family.

It hasn't always been like that. Prior to my husband getting diagnosed with cancer we were the typical American family. Busy, busy, busy. Both of us were working. My husband was also going to school full-time. Our days consisted of getting up early for work, coming home from work exhausted. My husband would go to school two days out of the week. We went to mid-week ch…

You don't have to smile

You don't have to smile

We live in an "I am fine" society. We live in a "put on a mask and act like everything is ok" society. We live in "fake strength and confidence" society.

And so instead of confessing that we are hurting and that we are in pain and that we feel the entire world is crashing around us and we don't know how we are going to make it, we smile and simply say "I am fine."

When in actuality we aren't fine. Our heart is breaking. We have questions we are afraid to ask God. Our life has been turned upside down and we just want it the way it used to be. My family is dealing with the pain of cancer. But I know that some are growing weary waiting for the promises that have been declared over their life. Some spend night after night crying wondering why others can conceive and they can't. Some wonder if their marriage can be repaired. Some look at a wayward child and hurt because of the choices they are making. Some no m…

To my husband on Father's Day

To my husband on Father's Day,
This has been a tough year for us. It has been a year filled with hospital stays for you as you get cycle after cycle of chemotherapy. It has been a year filled with tears as the dreams and plans we had were discarded once you were diagnosed with cancer. And I know it has been very hard for you. And I know the hardest thing for you wasn't the initial diagnosis which you handled with such strength. It wasn't the losing of the hair which you handled with grace. And it isn't receiving the chemotherapy each cycle which you haven't complained about. I know the hardest thing has been being separated from your family during your hospital stays.

I know you want nothing more than to be able to work and provide for your family financially. I know it has been hard not being able to work the last 6 months and knowing you won't be able to work for the remainder of the year. But you have provided for this family. You have provided your childre…

I thought....

I thought this year was going to be a lot different than it has turned out. I thought that this summer we would be so excited because our house had sold and we were moving into our dream house. I thought that we would be planning for my husband to transfer to a 4 year university. I thought I would be researching private schools for Malachi or discussing whether to homeschool. I thought my 3 year old daughter would have been potty trained. So many plans. And these weren’t greedy plans. They were simple plans and thoughts that I had for my family.
(This was our house when we bought it 4 years ago. I thought that we would sell it this year and move into our dream home....)
Yet none of those plans have come to pass. None of the things I thought would happen have taken place. Instead of putting our house up for sale and instead of excitingly preparing for my husband to transfer to a 4 year university we have spent this entire year in and out of hospitals. Every plan and every desire I had ca…