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The day I told God I quit

This has been an exhausting year. We ended 2014 with my husband in the hospital having just been diagnosed with cancer. We rang in the News Year sitting in a hospital room our life having been turned upside down in a matter of moments. Lymphoblastic Leukemia was the final diagnosis. And for the last 11 months there have been many tears shed. Our heart has been shattered and the pain we have felt has been indescribable. 

This has been a very painful year. It has been heartbreaking. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would. I have cried many tears as I have seen my husband receiving chemo. I have felt my heart shatter as I am forced to answer the questions my children ask concerning why their daddy is in the hospital. I have cried myself to sleep some nights thinking about our finances. And there are so many fears that invade my mind. Fears about relapse. Fears when I look at statistics. Fears that this will continue on for many more years. Fears that my children will be robbed of a father. Fears that I will be robbed of a husband. Fears that I am too afraid to even type.  And so I told God I quit.

I didn't tell Him that I quit serving Him, because that has never crossed our mind. Rather I told God that I quit looking at our bank account. I quit trying to figure things out. I quit trying to understand why we are in the situation we are in. I quit thinking about how life is supposed to be. I quit wondering why us. I quit worrying. I quit trying to be in control. I quit. I quit letting fear get to me. I quit letting stress overtake me. I quit letting anxiety control me. I quit.

Instead I told God that I am going to trust Him. I am am going to trust that He is in control. I am going to trust that He knows how this story ends. I am going to trust that He has not abandoned us. I am going to trust that He has seen every tear I have shed. I am going to trust that He has heard every prayer. I am going to trust that He has seen my fears and my worries. I am going to trust that He knows my name. I am going to trust that He will take care of us. I am going to trust that every step of this journey, He will be right there. I am going to trust in His goodness. I am going to trust in His love. I am going to trust in His peace. I am going to trust in His strength. I am going to trust in His joy. I am going to trust that no matter what happens, He is still God.

With 1 more cycle of chemo to go, I am going to trust. With our income drastically reduced, I am going to trust. With a long road of maintenance drugs, I am going to trust. With the monthly oncologist appointments, I am going to trust. With the many unknowns I am going to trust. With 2015 very different than 2014, I am going to trust. When my husband is in the hospital, I am going to trust. When the tears come, I am still going to trust. When my heart hurts, I am still going to trust. No matter what comes our way, I am going to trust.

Because I serve a God who loves. I serve a God who cares. I serve a God who knows my name. I serve a God that can do all things. I serve a God who parted the Red Sea. I serve a God who created the heavens and the earth. I serve a God who tore down the walls of Jericho. I serve a God who delivered Daniel from the lion's den. I serve a God who saved Joseph from prison. I serve a God who enabled Sarah and Elizabeth to conceive in their old age. I serve a God who does great things. I serve who created this universe. 

And so I quit. And I trust.





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