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When you are too tired to take another step

In January my husband and I sat in the car in the driveway before my husband met with his oncologist from San Antonio. We had just returned from California where our 2 week vacation was extended by a week because my husband ended up getting diagnosed with cancer. In the car that morning, my husband prayed "God whatever the outcome you are good and you are still God." That afternoon, I drove home alone as the oncologist ordered that my husband be admitted right away in order to start chemotherapy. Not the outcome we wanted, but God was still good. 12 months later there have been many times we have prayed that same prayer.

But the truth is although God has been good during the entire 12 months and although we never doubted His love or that fact that He was in control of the situation, there have been days when we have been tired and drained and depleted. There were some times that my feet crumbled and I fell to the floor too weak to stand, too weak to walk, too weak to take another step. Because cancer is the most painful disease. It robs a person of so many things. It robs a person of the ability to plan their future. It robs a person of their finances. It forces a person to endure painful and lengthy chemo treatments. It hurts.

Even now as we enter the second phase of Mel's treatment, the exhaustion continues because I do know that sometimes God lets the storm clouds linger for more time than we would like. I do know that sometimes God doesn't command the mountain to move rather He makes us climb it. I do know that sometimes we are forced to endure the situation longer than we hoped. And that at times no matter how hard we pray, the rain doesn't stop pounding and the waves don't stop crashing around us.

And while He is still good during it all and is still in control, it hurts and a person can feel too tired to take another step. There have been times I have been tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of the relentless pain that we were enduring. There have been times I have been so tired of the situation that my knees buckled, my feet grew worthless and I felt like I couldn't move one more step. Because cancer hurts. It hurts when it is your family that needs the healing miracle. It hurts when it is your family that needs the daily financial provision. It hurts when it is your family that needs the strength to take one more step. It hurts when it is your family that needs the comfort to endure the pain. It hurts when it is your family that has so many needs.

Trust is more than a word. It is an action. We throw that word around so easily and at times we use it to judge others. When a person discusses how difficult the road is that they are walking, at times we think (or even say) "well if you just trusted God a little more." It is so easy to throw that word around when everything is going great. But when that word becomes an action things change. When a person discusses how difficult the road is and when they vocalize how tired they are it doesn't signify a lack of trust. Every day that we took another step it was us trusting God. Cancer has been the brutal trial of our life and I have wanted every day to go back to the way life was before but that isn't an indication of me lacking trust in God because I did take another step. Every single day we have to trust that God would financially make a way and I have wished that our home was two-incomes or that mine was significantly higher so that we didn't have to depend on God for those finances, but that isn't an indication of me not trusting God because I continued to praise Him with only five dollars in our account. Every time my kids asked me why their daddy was sick, it hurt my heart and I wondered the same. But that is not an indication of not trusting God, nor is it an indication of not trusting God when I have hated seeing my husband hooked up to chemotherapy. We have trusted God every single step and along the way.

But there have been days where I have felt too weak to take another step. There have been days where the tears have blinded the path. There have been days that the pain of seeing my husband in a hospital room has forced me to my knees. There have been days where the finish line has seemed so far ahead and rather than running or even walking towards it I have felt myself crawling at the slowest pace. It wasn't that I didn't trust that God wasn't in control. And it wasn't that I didn't believe that one day this season would pass. It was because I was tired.

And it is during those times that more than words a person's prayers matter. Saying we will pray for a person is not the same as praying for a person. And when we see someone hurting we need to fight for them in our prayers. We need to go to battle for them in our prayers. We need to intercede and declare comfort, strength and endurance over their life. Because there are times when the person has been in the storm and has been climbing the mountain for so long and they are depleted. They are tired. They are weary. They haven't stopped declaring of God's goodness but the rain has pounded them for some time. They haven't stopped praising God but the storm has been so strong. They haven't stopped trusting in God but that mountain has been so tall. And they are tired. And they need your prayers to get them one more step. They are the ones running the race, but our prayers are what is helping them get to the finish line. Our prayers are fighting off the lies that Satan would like to throw their way. Our prayers are giving them that strength to pick themselves off the floor, dust off their bruised knees and take one more step towards the finish line. And our prayers are needed every step of the way.


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