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Showing posts from April, 2016

I don't want to have to say goodbye

Yesterday I told God that I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

I watched Mel sleep the majority of the day. I saw him hooked up to chemotherapy. I witnessed the radiology tech do a chest X-Ray. I saw all the different medicines he had to take. And I told God I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

Some may think I am too honest in my prayers and communication with God. They may think I am not praying the right way. They may think my prayers indicate a lack of faith. But I don't want to have to say goodbye to my husband. I don't want the doctors to tell me there is nothing else they can do. I don't want the cancer to spread. I don't want to have to say goodbye. And that is the type of prayers you say when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer.

We need to be honest in our prayers. Sometimes I think we go to God scared that He is going to get mad. We hide our thoughts afraid to share them with God because we think He is going to tell us that we do not have enough fa…

What cancer cannot do

This has been a long week....and it is only Tuesday. Cancer is exhausting. It depletes. It hurts. There is no nice way to describe it.

The round is much harder than the first on my family. Last year we counted down to the end of chemotherapy. Even though 2015 was incredibly difficult, we had something to look forward to. We thought the last cycle of chemo in December would be it and my husband would be able to do well on the maintenance drugs. We weren't expecting the cancer to return. Yet only 4 months after Mel finished his last cycle of chemo it did. And it hurts.

My children should not know what cancer is. Yet they do.

I have witnessed my strong husband sobbing. I have seen him drained and exhausted. I have stood outside the bathroom door as he was vomiting. I have seen him lay in bed sleeping much of the day because of the effects of the medicine he is taking. I have listened to the doctors tell us that a bone marrow transplant is necessary. I have experienced the heartache of…

"Mommy why did the cancer come back?"

Today I had to have a conversation no parent should have. I had to sit down with my 5 year old son and my 4 year old daughter and I had to let them know that their dad would once again have to undergo cancer treatment. The first thing my son asked was "mommy, why did the cancer come back?"

Malachi and Hannah love their dad so much. And it broke my heart to have to answer a question that I don't have the answer to. I don't know why the cancer came back. I don't know why we have to go through this again. I don't know why my amazing husband has to endure more chemo and wait for a bone marrow transplant match to be found. Malachi preceded to ask my why the medicine didn't work the first time. And he asked if his dad would have to take the "falling off hair medicine."

For the last 16 months my children have had to go back and forth between hospital visits. They have had to go without their mom and dad at home at night. They have to see their dad hook…

When cancer returns

They took my husband downstairs to get a kidney biopsy yesterday. I sat in his hospital room on the bed alone and started crying. This has been a hard road. There is no other way to describe it. And it has been tough not because we don't have faith. It has been tough not because we don't trust God. It has been tough not because we aren't standing on a firm foundation. Cancer Sucks. And it hurts. And it is tough.

When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer in 2014 as we drove to an oncologist appointment my husband said a simple but powerful prayer "no matter what the outcome you are still God and you are still good." As I sat in the hospital room alone crying yesterday as my husband was undergoing a biopsy I couldn't say those words. 

I can declare God is good. I can declare God is God. But I didn't want to say "no matter the outcome." Because I don't want the outcome to be a relapse. I don't want the outcome to be more chemotherapy.…

In need of a miracle

People like to say that they want to see miracles, signs and wonders. In order to see those though someone has to have a need. And it is incredibly painful when you're that family that has a need. It is painful when only a miracle can change the situation. People like to say that they want to see miracles, signs and wonders but I am pretty confident those same people do not want to be in the position where they are the ones who have the need.

In December of 2014 my husband was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. He spent the majority of 2015 in the hospital receiving chemotherapy. He was hospitalized 8 times for two to three weeks at a time. He received high dose chemotherapy. During his hospital stays he received platelet transfusion, blood transfusions and his white blood counts were so low he had no immunity to a simple cold. It was a brutal year as he was unable to work and we were reduced to one income. He spent 150 days away from our 5 year old son and 4 year old da…