I don't want to have to say goodbye

Yesterday I told God that I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

I watched Mel sleep the majority of the day. I saw him hooked up to chemotherapy. I witnessed the radiology tech do a chest X-Ray. I saw all the different medicines he had to take. And I told God I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

Some may think I am too honest in my prayers and communication with God. They may think I am not praying the right way. They may think my prayers indicate a lack of faith. But I don't want to have to say goodbye to my husband. I don't want the doctors to tell me there is nothing else they can do. I don't want the cancer to spread. I don't want to have to say goodbye. And that is the type of prayers you say when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer.

We need to be honest in our prayers. Sometimes I think we go to God scared that He is going to get mad. We hide our thoughts afraid to share them with God because we think He is going to tell us that we do not have enough faith. And we don't share our thoughts or feelings with others because we fear that well meaning people will tell us that our trust in God is lacking. I know God can heal. I know He still performs miracles. I know that all He has to do is say the word and my husband can be cancer free. I know all of that. And I am trusting in all of that. I am trusting that God will turn our situation around.There are a lot of emotions involved when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer and I share all those emotions with God.

And so in my prayers I tell God I don't want to have to say goodbye.

I was single for many years praying that on God's time He would open the doors and bring into my life the right guy. And He did just that and almost 7 years ago we said "I Do!"

My husband doesn't care that I am not a size 2 anymore.

He makes me feel pretty, smart, special and so loved.

He lets me take Saturday and Sunday naps.

He loves my cooking.

He listens to me and encourages me.

He puts up with my grumpiness.

He lets me watch House Hunters, Fixer Upper and all the other HGTV home shows.

When my husband looks at me I know just how much he loves me.

The list can go on forever of all the amazing quality that my husband has.

And I don't want to have say goodbye.

He is the most hard working man I know.

He worked 60 hour weeks at times.

He attended school full time.

He plays the bass guitar at church.

I often hear him praying late in the evening.

And I don't want to have to say goodbye

And I don't want my kids to have to say goodbye.

He woke up in the middle of the night with them when they were newborns.

He had no problem changing their diapers.

He spent just as much time in the nursery and the lobby during church services than I did when the kids were little.

He found as much joy and happiness in their milestones as I did.

He is an amazing dad.

He plays with the kids.

He tells them bedtime stories.

He helps them memorize scripture and has taught them how to pray.

He is the one the kids call in the middle of the night when they get scared.

And I don't want to say goodbye.

So I tell God that in my prayers. I have been telling Him that every day for the last 17 months. And I will continue to tell God that. In those 7 simple words and in that simple sentence I am pouring my heart out to God and asking Him to heal my husband. As I listened to my husband praying in the middle of the night last night I prayed

I don't want to have to say goodbye