Skip to main content

I don't want to have to say goodbye

Yesterday I told God that I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

I watched Mel sleep the majority of the day. I saw him hooked up to chemotherapy. I witnessed the radiology tech do a chest X-Ray. I saw all the different medicines he had to take. And I told God I didn't want to have to say goodbye.

Some may think I am too honest in my prayers and communication with God. They may think I am not praying the right way. They may think my prayers indicate a lack of faith. But I don't want to have to say goodbye to my husband. I don't want the doctors to tell me there is nothing else they can do. I don't want the cancer to spread. I don't want to have to say goodbye. And that is the type of prayers you say when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer.

We need to be honest in our prayers. Sometimes I think we go to God scared that He is going to get mad. We hide our thoughts afraid to share them with God because we think He is going to tell us that we do not have enough faith. And we don't share our thoughts or feelings with others because we fear that well meaning people will tell us that our trust in God is lacking. I know God can heal. I know He still performs miracles. I know that all He has to do is say the word and my husband can be cancer free. I know all of that. And I am trusting in all of that. I am trusting that God will turn our situation around.There are a lot of emotions involved when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer and I share all those emotions with God.

And so in my prayers I tell God I don't want to have to say goodbye.

I was single for many years praying that on God's time He would open the doors and bring into my life the right guy. And He did just that and almost 7 years ago we said "I Do!"

My husband doesn't care that I am not a size 2 anymore.

He makes me feel pretty, smart, special and so loved.

He lets me take Saturday and Sunday naps.

He loves my cooking.

He listens to me and encourages me.

He puts up with my grumpiness.

He lets me watch House Hunters, Fixer Upper and all the other HGTV home shows.

When my husband looks at me I know just how much he loves me.

The list can go on forever of all the amazing quality that my husband has.

And I don't want to have say goodbye.

He is the most hard working man I know.

He worked 60 hour weeks at times.

He attended school full time.

He plays the bass guitar at church.

I often hear him praying late in the evening.

And I don't want to have to say goodbye

And I don't want my kids to have to say goodbye.

He woke up in the middle of the night with them when they were newborns.

He had no problem changing their diapers.

He spent just as much time in the nursery and the lobby during church services than I did when the kids were little.

He found as much joy and happiness in their milestones as I did.

He is an amazing dad.

He plays with the kids.

He tells them bedtime stories.

He helps them memorize scripture and has taught them how to pray.

He is the one the kids call in the middle of the night when they get scared.

And I don't want to say goodbye.

So I tell God that in my prayers. I have been telling Him that every day for the last 17 months. And I will continue to tell God that. In those 7 simple words and in that simple sentence I am pouring my heart out to God and asking Him to heal my husband. As I listened to my husband praying in the middle of the night last night I prayed

I don't want to have to say goodbye



Popular posts from this blog

Why the church doesn't need any more coffee bars

More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus. 

My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.

To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …

To the Christian who had sex before marriage

This past week my social media was inundated with engagement and wedding posts. It seemed as though everyone was either getting married or engaged during the month of November. And as I scrolled through the many pictures I began to think of those who are filled with guilt or shame over their past and who every time they see an engagement announcement or wedding picture think within themselves "that will never be me."

You have convinced yourself that because you had sex outside of marriage, or because you were in an unequally yoked relationship or because you are a single parent, or because before you were a Christian you had an abortion, or because even though you didn't have sex you didn't maintain sexual purity, (the list can go on) that you don't deserve or never will get that "happily ever after."

Your sin may have been exposed to all due to a pregnancy or maybe yours is hidden in shame and secrecy and you are afraid to even admit what you have don…

Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?

Monday night my six year old daughter came running to my bedroom with tears streaming down her eyes. She was crying so hard I could barely decipher the words coming out of her mouth. "Mommy, I miss daddy.... Life isn't the same without him.... Why did he have to die???? Why didn't God heal daddy????I wish God would let him come back."

Why can't the difficult questions my children ask be "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Why, at seven and six do they have to ask "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?"  Most six year olds are playing with toys, learning to read and watching their favorite television shows. For the most part, so is my daughter but then there are nights like Monday where the tears stream down her face for an hour. Or there are days where I find her in her bedroom, holding a picture of her dad to her chest silently crying and when she sees me asks, "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?" 

My children ask me question…