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In need of a miracle

People like to say that they want to see miracles, signs and wonders. In order to see those though someone has to have a need. And it is incredibly painful when you're that family that has a need. It is painful when only a miracle can change the situation. People like to say that they want to see miracles, signs and wonders but I am pretty confident those same people do not want to be in the position where they are the ones who have the need.

In December of 2014 my husband was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. He spent the majority of 2015 in the hospital receiving chemotherapy. He was hospitalized 8 times for two to three weeks at a time. He received high dose chemotherapy. During his hospital stays he received platelet transfusion, blood transfusions and his white blood counts were so low he had no immunity to a simple cold. It was a brutal year as he was unable to work and we were reduced to one income. He spent 150 days away from our 5 year old son and 4 year old daughter. 150 nights where he couldn't tuck them in to bed. 150 nights where he couldn't tell them bedtime stories. He responded well to the chemotherapy and we thought the worst of it was over. In December of 2015 he completed his last cycle of chemotherapy and by March he had completed 18 days of radiation. We thought we could move on. He started his junior year at the local university and was offered a job set to start May 2nd. Towards the end of March he started not feeling well. He was diagnosed with bells palsy after a trip to the emergency room. He was still feeling unwell and after a couple trips to his oncologist he found himself back in the emergency room. CT scans showed swollen kidneys. The lab work showed kidney function at 25%. His initial lab work and CT scans show symptoms of Lymphoma. I don't even want to type what happens when Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma relapses.Patients with Acute Lymphoblastic Lymphoma typically receive a bone marrow transplant but no match has been found for my husband. Today he is getting a kidney biopsy and we are in need of a miracle. All signs point to the return of the cancer. And we are in a situation where only God can intervene.

 (My husband was hospitalized 10 times from December 2014-December 2015)

 I look at pictures on Facebook of people making home purchases, going on vacation, attending sporting events and my heart breaks because I look through pictures on my phone of my children and I hate that for the last year and a half every single plan I have had has not come to pass. I hate that my children have spent so much time visiting their dad in a hospital. I hate that for the last 5 days I have watched my husband sleep most of the time lying in a hospital bed. I hate that we are not planning vacations. I hate that we are not putting our house up for sale. I hate that my children aren't playing soccer on Saturday.

Can I be honest? I hate that we are depending on a miracle right now. I hate it. Because it hurts when you are the one who is in need of a miracle. It hurts when truly only the intervention of God can save you. It hurts because I know I serve a God who performs miracles but I also know that sometimes the miracle does not come the way you want it to. I know sometimes the prayers aren't answered the way you desire. My husband is an amazing dad. And I can't imagine the possibility of my children growing up without him in their life. I don't want to think of the possibility of of my children missing out on so much. And so I hate that everything depends on a miracle right now.

(It breaks my heart that this has been the scene so many times of my children walking into the hospital)

I don't want to need a miracle. Because when you are in need of a miracle your heart breaks. When you are in the need of a miracle you shed tears. Because when you are in the need of a miracle it hurts. I don't want to need a miracle. I just want my husband to be well.


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