"Mommy why did the cancer come back?"

Today I had to have a conversation no parent should have. I had to sit down with my 5 year old son and my 4 year old daughter and I had to let them know that their dad would once again have to undergo cancer treatment. The first thing my son asked was "mommy, why did the cancer come back?"

Malachi and Hannah love their dad so much. And it broke my heart to have to answer a question that I don't have the answer to. I don't know why the cancer came back. I don't know why we have to go through this again. I don't know why my amazing husband has to endure more chemo and wait for a bone marrow transplant match to be found. Malachi preceded to ask my why the medicine didn't work the first time. And he asked if his dad would have to take the "falling off hair medicine."

For the last 16 months my children have had to go back and forth between hospital visits. They have had to go without their mom and dad at home at night. They have to see their dad hooked up to IV's while he gets chemo. They have had to wear a mask as they enter the hospital room because my husband's white blood count is so low. My son knows more about T-Cells, platelets and cancer than the average adult. And there are times I feel as though it is so unfair. It is so unfair that my children have to endure the pain of seeing their daddy getting treated for cancer. And it breaks my heart when I have to hear the question "Why did the cancer come back?"

Yet more heartbreaking than that question was the question my daughter asked. She said '"Why didn't our prayers work?" And it is easy to ask the question "God didn't you hear our prayers? Didn't you see our tears? Didn't you see our broken heart the last 16 months?" I don't understand this. It is painful. I don't want my husband to have to endure this. My heart is shattered and I know I serve a God who heals. But I also know there are times the healing doesn't come the way we want it to. So when my 4 year old daughter asked the question I am sure others are thinking my heart broke.

 I don't know why the cancer came back. But I am sure Joseph didn't understand why he was thrown into a pit and then placed in a prison. I am sure David didn't understand why he had to spend so much time on the run. I am sure Esther didn't understand why she had to be married to a heathen king. I am sure Hannah and Elizabeth didn't understand why they couldn't conceive for so many years. I am sure Job didn't understand why he had to endure all he did. There are things in life we won't understand but that doesn't mean God is not answering our prayers. And He can turn the worse of situations around. He is in control. He sits on the throne. He give peace to those who are broken. He gives strength to those enduring the most difficult of situations. He gives joy to those who are in sorrow. He is God.

Our God still performs miracles. He parted the Red Sea. He provided manna from heaven. He delivered Daniel from the lion's den. He created the heavens and the earth. He spoke life into existence. And He can still heal my husband. In our darkest times when life is not going according to plan and when everything seems to be falling apart, God's light can shine so brightly through us.

"Mommy, why did the cancer come back?" I don't have the answer to that question. But I serve a God who has all of the answers. I serve a God who is in control no matter what our situation looks like. I serve a God who will get us through this situation but not only will He get us through this situation, He can use this situation to illustrate His power and His love and His comfort and His peace and His strength and His provision and His healing.

God can still do the impossible. He is God. And He is good.

"I will bless the Lord at all times. His praises shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Here is the link to the bethematch site. Consider registering to be a bone marrow donor.

Here is the link to our gofundme account