When cancer returns

They took my husband downstairs to get a kidney biopsy yesterday. I sat in his hospital room on the bed alone and started crying. This has been a hard road. There is no other way to describe it. And it has been tough not because we don't have faith. It has been tough not because we don't trust God. It has been tough not because we aren't standing on a firm foundation. Cancer Sucks. And it hurts. And it is tough.

When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer in 2014 as we drove to an oncologist appointment my husband said a simple but powerful prayer "no matter what the outcome you are still God and you are still good." As I sat in the hospital room alone crying yesterday as my husband was undergoing a biopsy I couldn't say those words. 



I can declare God is good. I can declare God is God. But I didn't want to say "no matter the outcome." Because I don't want the outcome to be a relapse. I don't want the outcome to be more chemotherapy. I don't want the outcome to be the need of a bone marrow transplant. And I don't want the outcome to be death. 

So I sat on the bed crying refusing to saying "no matter what." Because I want the outcome to be a miracle. I want the outcome to be a healing. I want the outcome to be the end of dealing with cancer. I want the outcome to be the end of hospital stays. I want the outcome to be a healthy husband.


And people can say I don't have faith. But I will show you the last 16 months of us praising God in this storm. People can say I don't have trust. But I will show you the last 16 months of us serving God. People can say all that they want to say but I will show you the last 16 months of us crying out to God. I will show you the last 16 months of us praying in the middle of the night. I will show you the last 16 months us being drained, depleted and weary but still taking another step. 



I don't want to say "no matter the outcome" because I don't want a shattered heart. I don't want to have to explain to my children that the cancer is back. I don't want to hold them while they cry when we listen to the prognosis. I don't want look at a paycheck that doesn't cover all our expenses. I don't want to bury my husband. 

And so alone on the hospital bed I sobbed. I let the tears stream down my face. I cried out to God. And while I didn't say "no matter the outcome" my tears were saying it. While I didn't vocalize it my broken heart was saying it. Because I know that no matter the outcome I will still serve God. I know that no matter the outcome I will still praise Him. I know that no matter the outcome I will eventually be able to take another step. I know that no matter the outcome God will give us strength. I know no matter the outcome He will give me peace. I know no matter the outcome He will never leave me. I know no matter the outcome He will provide me comfort.



And I know no matter the outcome He is still God. The doctor told us today that the preliminary results show cancerous cells in my husband's kidneys. I know we serve a God that performs miracles. I read about the miracles He performed in the Bible. I hear of the stories that people tell of miracles God has performed in their life. And I have witnessed the hand of God upon our life the last 16 months.


But I don't want to go through this. I wish I could post the new home purchase, vacation and just hanging our pictures to my social media. Instead I am going to have to drive home and tell my 5 year old son and my 4 year old daughter that the cancer has returned. And I am going to have to tell them that we are depending on a miracle. And I am going to have to answer questions I don't want to answer. And we are going to have to endure another journey of hospitalizations and chemo and everything else we don't want to go through. And it is going to hurt. And there will be tears shed. And our heart is going to break. This road is not easy. It is draining. It depletes. It knocks you down.



Many have asked how they could help so if you feel led to give to our family during this difficult time here is the link

gofund.me/melchorlira

Comments

Popular Posts