I choose to be real
Actively trusting God requires a person to be in a situation that hurts. Our trust in God wasn't tested when we had health, money in the bank and plans that were coming to pass. Every day for the last 17 months we've had to actively trust God. We've had to trust that He would financially provide. We've had to trust that He would heal my husband. We've had to trust that He would give us strength when we were so weak, comfort when we were in sorrow, peace when everything seemed to be falling apart and joy when tears consumed us.
And I choose to be real. I'm not trying to present eloquent words. It hurts. It's painful. It hurts seeing others purchase homes, going on vacation and enjoying life when our plans have been discarded. It hurts seeing date night pictures when my husband is lying in a hospital bed hooked up to chemo. With Mel going to the hospital I am choosing to be real. Tomorrow marks Mel's 13th hospital stay in the last 17 months. This will be his 10th cycle of chemo. I have lost count into the number of days of hospital stays but it is close to 200. Our insurance has been billed over 1 million dollars. We have gone 17 months as a one income family. My 5 year old and 4 year old know more about cancer than I did at the age of 34 when Mel was first diagnosed with cancer. The hospital cafeteria know me by name and I feel like the hospital should give me priority parking with all the money my insurance has paid to them.
It hurts because I thought this season would be over when my husband finished his last cycle of chemo. Yet the storm picked up and is raging some more. Unless God miraculously heals my husband a bone marrow transplant is needed and that recovery time is lengthy. So it hurts that financially our expenses will continue to surpass our income for some time. It hurts that the hospitalizations are far from over. It hurts that this season doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. And I choose to be real.
It hurts. But God has not changed. He is still good. Through my tears I praise Him. In my pain I love Him. With a broken heart I adore Him. With questions on my mind, I seek Him. With plans discarded, I serve Him. With each new hospital stay, I present my pain to God and I rest in His presence. With everything falling apart, I trust Him. I choose to be real on social media, but I've also chosen to be real with God.
I let God know I am hurting because I know He is my comforter.
I let God know I am in sorrow because I know He is my peace giver.
I let God know I am weak because I know He is my strength.
I let God know I don't understand because I know His ways are perfect.
I let God know my heart feels shattered because I know He is my joy.
I let God know that I wish this storm was over because I know that even if it continues to pound He will get us through.
And so I choose to be real. But I also choose never to stop praising God. I choose to never stop serving God. I choose to not let this storm defeat us. I choose to trust in God even when things don't make sense. I choose to sing of God's goodness because He is good. I choose to declare His love because He is love. And He will get us through this.