I am tired of trusting in God...

I am tired....

Tired of cancer

Tired of chemo

Tired of calling the insurance on a daily basis

Tired of this storm that has relentlessly pounded

Tired of not making enough to cover all our expenses

Tired of having ten years of teaching experience but making significantly less than a  first year teacher but not being able to do much about it because I need to be able to work from home and health insurance is through my job

Tired of hospital stays

Tired of separation

Tired of this mountain called instability, this valley called chemo, this desert called transplants, this storm called cancer.

And it hurts...

It hurts seeing my husband hooked up to chemo

It hurts hearing my son tell me he gets sad when his dad is in the hospital

It hurts listening to doctors as they provide statistics 

It hurts as 18 months of this horrible journey continues on 

And even though I can see the provision of God I'm broken that we have to endure this

Yes God has removed a tumor from my husband’s body

Yes God did provide thousands of dollars of home school curriculum to me for free

Yes God opened the door for me to work this summer where I make more than I make from my actual job

Yes God has provided financially for the last 18 months and our oil has not run out

But can I be honest? I am tired of being the family that needs the miracles. Because that is an incredibly painful position to be in.

I am tired….
And I am just going say it….
I am tired of having to trust in God….
It hurts this road we are on. It is unbearable at times.
I am ready to pass this baton over to someone else because we've been running the race for so long.

A person’s faith is not put to action until their life begins falling apart. It is easy to recite Proverbs 3:5 but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer

Trust in the Lord with all your heart….

Lean not to your own understanding…

Become words that you no longer just recite, but words you have to live.

And it is draining. And depleting. And exhausting…

And we are called to trust God because the doctors tell us that a bone marrow transplant is the only thing that will cure my husband and without one he won’t survive.

And we are called to trust God because our monthly expenses exceeds our monthly income by 4 digits every month.

And it hurts.

This road hurts. This storm hurts. 
Yes we are still praising God. Yes we are still worshipping God but we are broken inside.

So I am going to take off the mask we all put up
That mask that has a smile on her face
That mask that is acting like everything is okay
That mask that portrays a strength I don’t have
That mask that acts like this storm isn’t hurting
That mask that acts like the wind isn’t knocking me down
And I am going to sit and cry
I am going to pour out my pain
I am going to pour out my worries
I am going to pour out my weariness
I am going to pour out my brokenness

And I am going to let God be God
I am going to weep at His feet
I am going to allow God to take my weariness and give me rest
I am going to allow God to take my weakness and fill me with strength
I am going to allow God to take my sorrow and give me comfort
I am going to allow God to take my turmoil and give me peace

Because healing comes when you take off that mask. Healing comes when you acknowledge the pain. Healing comes when you acknowledge that the road is difficult and your heart is breaking.

And the love of God will see us through. In our darkest times, God will hold our hand. He will wipe our tears. He will ease our pain. 

This mountain may remain but He will give us the strength to climb it.

And so I take off my mask. And I allow God to see my pain. Because He is the one who mends the broken hearts.