The fear of having to plan a funeral...
Yet that is what is happening in our home. As Christians we often don't talk about statistics and death because people often criticize one's lack of faith or trust. Yet statistics stare at my family on a daily basis. Statistics state that without a bone marrow transplant my husband will die. Statistics tell us that when this type of cancer returns a person can't expect to live another year. Statistics shout at us on a daily basis. And there are times we can ignore it. Times when my husband is feeling good that we can have a positive outlook. But there are times like this week when his legs have been in unbearable pain that the statistics shout louder. There are times like this week when he discovers bumps on his head that the statistics scream in our face. There are times like this week when he has to go in for testing to determine whether or not he can get a bone marrow transplant that statistics laugh at us.
For 18 months we have been praying for a healing. 18 months crying out to God with a broken heart. Because a 30 year old shouldn't have to plan his funeral. A 5 year old boy shouldn't have to bury his father. A 4 year old girl shouldn't have to attend a funeral. And a wife shouldn't end up a widow.
Why did my husband have to get cancer? Why is this pain inflicting my family? Why hasn't God stepped in yet and healed my husband? Why hasn't God declared an end to cancer treatment and declared my husband free from this disease?
We've prayed for a healing yet the cancer returned. We've prayed for a miracle yet his siblings are only half matches for a bone marrow transplant. We prayed for a healing yet he now has bumps on his head that can be lesions from the Lymphoma returning. We've prayed for a healing but now the conversation revolves around planning a funeral. And I just think my kids can't be robbed of an amazing dad. I can't be robbed of a husband.
My husband had lab work done yesterday. He is getting further lab work completed today. He has a biopsy on the bumps on his head on the 5th of July. And if cancer has returned that means the chemo has stopped working. And if cancer has returns that means my husband can't get a bone marrow transplant. And if cancer has returned that means, unless God steps in, within this next year I will be planning a funeral.
Everyone criticizes Martha in the Bible because when her brother died she ran out to Jesus and said "If you would have been here my brother wouldn't have died." But those that criticize Martha have no idea what it's like to face death. Because we know God can complete a healing. We know He can perform the miracle. But there are times, like with Martha, we called out to God to perform the work and "3 days has passed" and He hasn't come. It hurts when it's been 18 months and the cancer persists. We know God can step in but it's painful when the doctor's list statistics. And when your only hope is a miracle from God you don't want him to wait until the 3rd day, you want Him to step in now.
Until you are in the position where you absolutely need a miracle you will not understand how painful that road is. It is very easy to say "Trust in God..." and it is easy to say "There is nothing impossible with God..." But there are times when God chooses not to heal. There are times when the miracle doesn't come. There are times when a person has to plan a funeral. And when a person has to live with a cancer diagnosis thinking about what happens if the healing doesn't come isn't a lack of faith. Breaking down in tears because you can't imagine your life without the person you love so much isn't a lack of trusting in God.
We have no control over the situation we find ourselves in. And it is painful. And I don't want to have to plan a funeral.