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Showing posts from November, 2016

I do not want to be a widow

I can't imagine me without Mel by my side.

 I can't imagine it going from the two of us to just me. 
I can't imagine us going from a party of 4 
to one of 3  And yet I see my husband confined to a hospital bed. I heard the words of the doctors tell us there was nothing else they could do. I witnessed as the salvage drug destroyed his nerves and left him paralyzed. And I have seen the wound that began in the hospital get worse despite all we are doing to treat it. I was there when the nurse practitioner told us things were not looking very good. I see my husband's body weakened as a result of the toxic chemo that he had over the last two years.

And I don't want to be a widow.  As millions were siting around a dinner table for Thanksgiving I wondered if it would be the last Thanksgiving I had with my husband. I was reminded of the Thanksgiving 9 years prior where we met. And I wondered if I would go from being a wife to becoming a widow. The thoughts were no…

So you want to be used by God...

Some people want to be used by God if it means platform, position or prestige. But what if God told you that He wanted to use you but it would require pain, tears and times where you wouldn't understand the purpose?
Would you still say "I am available, use me?"
Many people want to be used by God if it means applause, recognition and accolades.  But what if God told you that He was going to use you but you would have to endure the driest season of your life? What if He told you that He was going to use you and place you in a position where Satan would taunt you and try to convince you that God was nowhere to be found?

Would you still say "I am available?"
What if God told you there wasn't going to be recognition but there was going to be a prison like situation like Joseph had? A wilderness like situation like David endured? A den full of lions like Daniel faced? A period of barrenness like Hannah had?

Would you still say "I am available?"
What if G…

God can do all things but He doesn't have to do anything...

God can do all things but He doesn't have to do anything.

We read about all of the miracles that God performed in the Bible. We read about Him parting the Red Sea, speaking life into existence and delivering Daniel from the lion's den. We read about the lame walking, blind seeing and dead raising. We read about so many miracles that God performed. He did it all because He can do all things, but He didn't have to do any of them.

The last two years have been the most challenging two years of my life. Our life has been placed on hold. There are no vacations. There are no care-free days. We don't sit around and plan our future because we have no idea what the future holds. Hundreds of days my husband has spent in the hospital. For the last almost three months he has been unable to walk. It has been two and half months since he has last been able to move his hands. He can't hug his children. He can't play with them. There are no date nights. He can't hold my ha…

When God gives you more than you can bear

People love to say that God won't give you more than you can bear.

I beg to differ.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2014...That was more than I could bear.

He endured 8 cycles of chemotherapy in 2015 and was forced to be hospitalized for 2-3 weeks with each cycle of chemotherapy....That was more than I could bear.

He was declared in remission, received 18 doses of radiation and we thought the end of cancer treatment was over.  We were wrong.

In March of 2015 he was hospitalized and told he had Bells Palsy...More than we could bear.

A month later he was hospitalized again with kidney function at less than 25% and told that the cancer returned...More than we could bear.

He spent the summer months receiving salvage chemo which ended up not working and by July the cancer had spread to his bone marrow, his spine and through his body...More than we could bear.

The chemotherapy that was designed to destroy the cancer ultimately left him paralyzed and he is unable to move his hand…

Praising God when your world has shattered

A year ago this month Mel was getting ready to enter the hospital for his 7th cycle of chemo. We were exhausted as the year had been draining with Mel spending two weeks every month in the hospital getting chemotherapy. But we were also relieved because the cycles of chemo were almost over. The tests revealed that the cancer was gone and after 8 cycles of chemo the oncologist was optimistic that Mel would do good on maintenance drugs.

 (This is when my husband was first diagnosed with cancer. The first of many hospital stays)

We thought the brutality of the storm was over and that the skies were set to get clear....

We were wrong. We entered 2016 and Mel completed 18 days of radiation. We were waiting for his numbers to improve and he was to start maintenance drugs. Unfortunately that didn't happen and in April the cancer had returned. It had invaded his kidney and the doctor told us that Mel needed to start a salvage drug right away and his only hope of survival was a bone marrow…

Why we stopped attending church....

My husband has not attended church since August. I stopped attending church in September.

This has been a gradual progression. We didn't just stop attending church. Within the last two years there were many Sunday's and Wednesday's where my husband and I did not attend church. And then in August of this year my husband stopped attending altogether and I followed in September.

It wasn't always like this. Every Sunday before church I would often post an "off to church" picture. My husband played the bass guitar so Sunday's were quite hectic as we would get up early to get to church where my husband would have practice. But each Sunday we would make our way to church. We would do the same every Wednesday. After work, we would rush home, make dinner and then get ready for church.

(One of our many off to church pictures)

But then something changed. And I no longer would I post the "off to church" picture on a regular basis. There were some Sunday'…