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I do not want to be a widow

I can't imagine me without Mel by my side.

I can't imagine it going from the two of us to just me. 

I can't imagine us going from a party of 4 

to one of 3

And yet I see my husband confined to a hospital bed. I heard the words of the doctors tell us there was nothing else they could do. I witnessed as the salvage drug destroyed his nerves and left him paralyzed. And I have seen the wound that began in the hospital get worse despite all we are doing to treat it. I was there when the nurse practitioner told us things were not looking very good. I see my husband's body weakened as a result of the toxic chemo that he had over the last two years.

And I don't want to be a widow.

As millions were siting around a dinner table for Thanksgiving I wondered if it would be the last Thanksgiving I had with my husband. I was reminded of the Thanksgiving 9 years prior where we met. And I wondered if I would go from being a wife to becoming a widow. The thoughts were not a result of my lack of faith in God. I know it is never too late for a miracle. I know the situation is never too bleak for God to step in. I understand that my eyes do not see nor do they comprehend the plan of God. I go into my prayer closet on a daily basis and I praise God in spite of our situation. I worship God for who He is. I bring to Him our petitions because I know that He can do anything.

 But I also know that there are times God chooses not to heal. We sing songs about heaven. We declare that we want to go there one day. The earth is not our home. And so if God chose to call my husband home he didn't lose his battle. It did not end in defeat. He would have won the race. He would have finished it strong. It would have ended in victory.

 But I don't want to be a widow. I can't imagine never being able to hold my husband's hand again. I can't imagine not being able to lay on his chest as I fall asleep. I can't imagine not being able to tell him about my day. He tells me I am pretty even when my hair is a wild mess. He tells me I am beautiful even though I am not a size 2 like I was when we met. He listens to my stories as though they were the most interesting things he has heard. And he encourages me so much. He has never once made me feel as though I was not loved by him. And I can't imagine it being me without him.

I can't imagine Malachi not having his dad teach him how to ride his bike without training wheels. I can't imagine him not being able to tell his dad about his first crush. I can't imagine Malachi not have his dad there to teach him how to play an instrument. I can't imagine him not having his dad there when he graduates from college, falls in love and gets married.

I can't imagine Hannah not having her dad there to cuddle with at night before she goes to bed. I can't imagine her not having her dad there telling her how wonderful, smart and beautiful she is. I can't imagine Hannah not having her dad there when she graduates from high school and choses a major in colleges. And I can't imagine him not being there to walk her down the aisle when she gets married.
I see my husband get weaker as the days go by. I see him confined to a bed for the last three months with no signs of improvement. He can't move his hands. He can't move his feet. And I don't want to be a widow.

And so I pray for the miracle. I pray for the healing. I declare promises over my husband's body. I speak healing to the nerves. I speak healing to the wound. I lay my hand on my husband's spine. I believe that just like Jesus raised the dead, opened the blinded eyes, allowed the lame to walk that He can declare the word and my husband can rise up out of the bed. I believe that just like He spoke life into existence God can speak life to the nerves that have died. I believe that just like He enabled a woman, unable to conceive, to give birth, God can take our barren situation and turn everything around. I believe that with one word God can mend the wound that has deepened on my husband's back. I believe with one word God can command the muscles to regain strength. I am not giving up hope.

But if God chooses not to heal I will never stop praising Him. I will never stop serving Him. I will never stop living for Him. My heart will be shattered. My life forever changed. But God will remain good.

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