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A time to live and a time to die

A year ago this month we took this picture.

 Mel was finishing his 8th and what we thought was his final cycle of chemo. He was in remission and doctors were optimistic at his survival. Last night I took the bottom picture thinking how much different things were.

Same kids. Same hospital. Completely different prognosis. Whereas last year the doctors had hope this year they have no hope. The options they give us concerning treatment are not being discussed in a way to save his life they are discussed in an effort to try and make the remaining time he has here most comfortable. And the pain seems more intense because it is not the cancer that is threatening his life. It is not the spinal cord damage either. Instead it is a preventable wound that developed in the hospital that is threatening his life. Within the last few days I have witnessed my husband's mental state change so much. And I have listened to the negative reports from the doctors.

The Bible talks about there being a time to live and a time to die. As Christians we can celebrate the time to die because our hope is not in this life but our hope is the eternity we spend with our maker. But as a wife and as a mother to two young kids I am heartbroken thinking this may be Mel's time to die. I have not given up hope. I have not stopped praying. I will declare God's ability to perform a miracle every day. I will go before God on a daily basis with my petition completely believing that He can turn the situation around. I won't give up hope even though doctors say the situation is hopeless because I have seen God perform miracles. And I have heard testimonies of situations where the doctors have said there was nothing more they could do and miraculously the person lived. So I will continue to declare that God is a healer. I will continue to declare that He can make a way out of no way. I will continue to declare that this situation may be impossible for man but it is not impossible for God.

At the same time I know sometimes God chooses not to heal. Sometimes a person's time to die isn't when they are in their 90s rather it is when they are young. I can't even begin to describe how broken I am thinking that my husband may not survive much longer. I stood across from my husband 7 years ago when we exchanged vows thinking we would spend 50 plus years together not less than 10. My heart is shattered thinking that my two children will have to grow up in this world without their dad. As much joy as we will have knowing that if Mel dies he is in heaven that doesn't take away the brokenness a child experiences when they lose a parent. There is so much a child loses out on when a parent passes away. So many memories they were unable to make. It will be devastating to me if my children have to bury their dad. Malachi is six and Hannah four and they adore their dad. Mel was so invested in every part of my pregnancies. The look on his face when he first saw his children after they were born was one of pure love. He would get up in the middle of the night with them. He changed diapers. He would take them to the nursery if they cried during church. Every single moment of their life he has been there. He has been and is an amazing dad. And it crushes me to think my children will miss out on their dad growing up if God chooses not to heal.

Trusting in God means believing that God can do anything. But it also means that if God doesn't do what you have been desperately praying for, trusting that He is still in control and that He still has a plan. Trusting in Him means believing that He can perform a miracle. But it also means trusting that if He doesn't perform the miracle, believing that He will provide you with the peace and comfort that you will need in the darkest times. Trusting in God means not believing the report of the doctor but believing in the ability of God. But it also means if the reports of the doctors come to pass trusting that He is still God. Trusting in God means that even if He chooses not to heal, He is still a healer.

And so we are praying and believing that Mel still has many years to live. However if God chooses not to heal we are trusting that God will see us through our darkest times.

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