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A grieving family

I have used words during the last two years of this cancerous journey to describe the things we have endured. I thought cancer was brutal but this is worse...far worse.

Words don't do justice in describing how amazing Mel was. Some called him friend. Others called him cousin. To some he was their co-worker.  But I had the ultimate privilege of calling him my husband. And my children called him dad. During our seven years of marriage we spent nearly every single day together. With the exception of a couple work trips we spent very little time separated from each other. When he was healthy, we never felt the desire to have time apart. Mel never needed a "man cave" and I never needed my own space. I was the happiest when it was just the 4 of us hanging out together. Even when he was hospitalized getting chemo every day I saw him. He was usually the first face I saw in the morning and he was the face I fell asleep next to. We spent our days texting each other and talking multiple times. Last night I didn't get to see his face when I went to sleep and his face wasn't there when I woke up.

Hannah has said multiple times how much she misses her dad and those were the first words that came out of her mouth this morning. She also asks the question I think we are all wondering "Why didn't God heal him?" Didn't God see the pain his death would cause me and Malachi and Hannah? Didn't he see the void we would have without Mel in our lives? Didn't God know that Mel and I were a partnership with raising the kids and there were things Mel did as a dad I can't do? Didn't God care about all of that?

The Bible says that God is a God of love. God loved Mel more than I ever did. I got the last 7 years of marriage with him, but God knew Mel even before He formed him in his mother's wound. God knows all things. So He saw me sobbing on the bathroom floor, hidden from my children, as I type this. And just as much as He loves Mel, God loves me and my children.

This is the darkest storm of our life. And I know that there wasn't one time THAT God  couldn't have healed. Even as Mel's organs were failing and as he was hooked up to life support I know THAT God could have healed. He didn't and I don't know why but I do know that during the last two years God did extend Mel's life many times. During the last two years with Mel getting treatment we spent every day together. And when he was not hospitalized during his cycle of chemo he spent so much quality time with his kids. God gave us that time. When Mel was bedridden for the last four months every single day and every single night I was with him and the children were with him. God gave us that time. And even though Mel was hooked up to the breathing machine he opened his eyes and nodded his head in communication with me. God gave us that time.

For some reason, God chose to call Mel home.  I don't pretend to understand why. But I do know Mel was tired. He never complained. But during the last few weeks he told me how tired he was. And so much as it pains me I am glad that he isn't in pain anymore. He is rejoicing in heaven and I am thankful for that.

The pain and sorrow we are experiencing right now is crushing but I know God will see us through. There will be joy again. God is comforting us in our time of sorrow. I am in transparent with my pain because it is important, for everyone, but for Christians to see this. I can talk about experiencing the peace of God, which we truly are. But at the same time, the devastation my children and I are facing right now is so immense. This mourning process will not stop in a week, a month even a year. Our lives have been forever altered. My children will miss so many things without their dad in their life. I  have many more mornings of sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing to come. And I will continue documenting it. In the midst of all that I know that God will continue to do for our family, I will be transparent with my pain.

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