Guilt

I woke up today sandwiched between two little children and started crying. I so desperately wish this was just a nightmare and that the last two years didn't happen. I want to wake up to December 30, 2014 and have the doctors tell us Mel just has bronchitis not cancer.



Grieving when you have children is a mixed blessing. My day can't be consumed with tears as my almost 5 year old and 6 year old want me to play with them, do arts and crafts and watch cartoons. Yesterday I even went to McDonald's because they wanted a kids' meal. Yet at the same time they are so deeply affected by Mel's loss so scattered in between all of that is me answering questions and comforting them when they tell me how sad they are. Yesterday Malachi sat in front of a picture of Mel when he was younger for a long time and took it with him when we went to Mcdonald's.



I went to the funeral home yesterday. That shouldn't have happened until I was like 90. I had to discuss arrangements for my husband. And I came home to a house without a husband. I look at my two children and I just don't understand. Our life has completely changed. It breaks my heart that they will have to navigate through life without their dad. He won't be there to teach Malachi to ride a bike without training wheels. He is not going to be there to give Hannah the shoulder rides she loves so much. And that void will be felt for years as there are so many milestones they won't have a dad for. And they will grow up with that void in their life. And they will have probably always wonder why God didn't heal their dad.



And I feel so guilty. Within the last few weeks Mel kept telling me how tired he was. He told me on multiple occasions the dreams he was having of heaven. And he would attempt to talk to me about what if He died. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about that. On Saturday I felt like I needed to give him permission to die. But I couldn't. And now I feel so selfish. He wanted to have those conversations but I couldn't think of a life without him. Every time he said he was tired he probably wanted me to tell him that it was okay to let go but I didn't.



I take comfort in knowing that on Monday he could hear me and had his eyes open when he was on the breathing tube. So I told him then that he had fought so hard, would always be my hero and that he could stop fighting. I told him how amazing of a father he was and how he was everything I ever prayed for in a husband. And I told him over and over again how much I loved him. But I do feel guilty that when he wanted to talk about the possibility of dying I would tell him that he was going to get better. And I would talk about the plans we could make for the future.

Mel often said that I was his guardian angel and he couldn't live without me. But I felt the same way about him. And I don't know how to go through life without him by my side.

Last night the kid's wanted to go to church and I wasn't sure how ready I was. Not because I didn't want to go to church but because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the spot we sat together as a family. I wasn't sure I was ready to see the platform where Mel played the bass guitar. I wasn't sure I was ready to see the lobby where Mel stood many times when the kids were babies. I wasn't sure I was ready to step into the place that Mel loved going so much. I'm not ready for any of this. Hannah has said many times that she thinks God is still going to heal Mel. She said that it is just taking God time but God is going to change His mind about Mel dying. And I wish that were true. I wish God would change His mind, rewind the clock two years and just have the diagnosis be bronchitis. I wish that I wasn't typing this but that I had my husband by my side.



And as happy as I am that Mel is in peace I am selfish also because I just want him here. I would take more days of him in his hospital bed. More days for me to hold his hand. More days for me to kiss him. More days for me to hear his voice.

Yet in the midst of our pain there is not anger towards God. I know God will continue to provide us comfort. I know God sees every tear that I cry. And I am thankful that God saw how tired Mel was and that He took him home. Yesterday in church during the worship songs, I lifted my hands in praise and worship to God. As hurt as I am. As much pain as I am in. As many questions as I have. I still trust in God.




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