Skip to main content

Guilt

I woke up today sandwiched between two little children and started crying. I so desperately wish this was just a nightmare and that the last two years didn't happen. I want to wake up to December 30, 2014 and have the doctors tell us Mel just has bronchitis not cancer.



Grieving when you have children is a mixed blessing. My day can't be consumed with tears as my almost 5 year old and 6 year old want me to play with them, do arts and crafts and watch cartoons. Yesterday I even went to McDonald's because they wanted a kids' meal. Yet at the same time they are so deeply affected by Mel's loss so scattered in between all of that is me answering questions and comforting them when they tell me how sad they are. Yesterday Malachi sat in front of a picture of Mel when he was younger for a long time and took it with him when we went to Mcdonald's.



I went to the funeral home yesterday. That shouldn't have happened until I was like 90. I had to discuss arrangements for my husband. And I came home to a house without a husband. I look at my two children and I just don't understand. Our life has completely changed. It breaks my heart that they will have to navigate through life without their dad. He won't be there to teach Malachi to ride a bike without training wheels. He is not going to be there to give Hannah the shoulder rides she loves so much. And that void will be felt for years as there are so many milestones they won't have a dad for. And they will grow up with that void in their life. And they will have probably always wonder why God didn't heal their dad.



And I feel so guilty. Within the last few weeks Mel kept telling me how tired he was. He told me on multiple occasions the dreams he was having of heaven. And he would attempt to talk to me about what if He died. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about that. On Saturday I felt like I needed to give him permission to die. But I couldn't. And now I feel so selfish. He wanted to have those conversations but I couldn't think of a life without him. Every time he said he was tired he probably wanted me to tell him that it was okay to let go but I didn't.



I take comfort in knowing that on Monday he could hear me and had his eyes open when he was on the breathing tube. So I told him then that he had fought so hard, would always be my hero and that he could stop fighting. I told him how amazing of a father he was and how he was everything I ever prayed for in a husband. And I told him over and over again how much I loved him. But I do feel guilty that when he wanted to talk about the possibility of dying I would tell him that he was going to get better. And I would talk about the plans we could make for the future.

Mel often said that I was his guardian angel and he couldn't live without me. But I felt the same way about him. And I don't know how to go through life without him by my side.

Last night the kid's wanted to go to church and I wasn't sure how ready I was. Not because I didn't want to go to church but because I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the spot we sat together as a family. I wasn't sure I was ready to see the platform where Mel played the bass guitar. I wasn't sure I was ready to see the lobby where Mel stood many times when the kids were babies. I wasn't sure I was ready to step into the place that Mel loved going so much. I'm not ready for any of this. Hannah has said many times that she thinks God is still going to heal Mel. She said that it is just taking God time but God is going to change His mind about Mel dying. And I wish that were true. I wish God would change His mind, rewind the clock two years and just have the diagnosis be bronchitis. I wish that I wasn't typing this but that I had my husband by my side.



And as happy as I am that Mel is in peace I am selfish also because I just want him here. I would take more days of him in his hospital bed. More days for me to hold his hand. More days for me to kiss him. More days for me to hear his voice.

Yet in the midst of our pain there is not anger towards God. I know God will continue to provide us comfort. I know God sees every tear that I cry. And I am thankful that God saw how tired Mel was and that He took him home. Yesterday in church during the worship songs, I lifted my hands in praise and worship to God. As hurt as I am. As much pain as I am in. As many questions as I have. I still trust in God.




Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Why the church doesn't need any more coffee bars

More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus. 

My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.






To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …

To the Christian who had sex before marriage

This past week my social media was inundated with engagement and wedding posts. It seemed as though everyone was either getting married or engaged during the month of November. And as I scrolled through the many pictures I began to think of those who are filled with guilt or shame over their past and who every time they see an engagement announcement or wedding picture think within themselves "that will never be me."

You have convinced yourself that because you had sex outside of marriage, or because you were in an unequally yoked relationship or because you are a single parent, or because before you were a Christian you had an abortion, or because even though you didn't have sex you didn't maintain sexual purity, (the list can go on) that you don't deserve or never will get that "happily ever after."

Your sin may have been exposed to all due to a pregnancy or maybe yours is hidden in shame and secrecy and you are afraid to even admit what you have don…

Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?

Monday night my six year old daughter came running to my bedroom with tears streaming down her eyes. She was crying so hard I could barely decipher the words coming out of her mouth. "Mommy, I miss daddy.... Life isn't the same without him.... Why did he have to die???? Why didn't God heal daddy????I wish God would let him come back."

Why can't the difficult questions my children ask be "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Why, at seven and six do they have to ask "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?"  Most six year olds are playing with toys, learning to read and watching their favorite television shows. For the most part, so is my daughter but then there are nights like Monday where the tears stream down her face for an hour. Or there are days where I find her in her bedroom, holding a picture of her dad to her chest silently crying and when she sees me asks, "Mommy, why didn't God heal daddy?" 





My children ask me question…