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I laid in bed all day

My parents came in from California today so since the kids had someone to watch them I laid in bed most of the day. I didn't want to get out. I didn't have the energy to do anything. So I cried myself into a nap and when I woke I up I stayed in bed for longer. I looked at videos and pictures of Mel.

Mel often called me his guardian angel.  When he was in the hospital if the nurses were changing his wound dressing he would want to make sure I was right there next to him. Within the last couple of months when his red blood count and sodium numbers were decreasing there were period when he was somewhat delirious. But he would always tell me after that my voice was the only voice that calmed him down. He would tell me he didn't know what he would do without me. But the truth is I don't know what to do without him.

I feel lost. Before Mel got sick any time outside of work and school we spent it together. I didn't desire to have a girl's night out. Mel didn't desire to hang out with the guys. We were most content being together. For the last two years since Mel's diagnosis we probably spent more time together than most married couples do. He wasn't working and I work at home so our whole day were spent together. During the last 4 months since he was sent home paralyzed we spent even more time together. I rarely left his side. I have been upstairs more time since Tuesday than I had been in 4 months.

And I feel lost without my best friend. Mel was sick. We knew that but his death was unexpected. We were discussing discharge plans on Thursday. They started him on an antibiotic for the infection he had in his bone from the wound he got in a different hospital. And that caused a bacteria that his body couldn't fight. There's a lot for me to take in. And today I needed to do it by laying in bed alone all day. I couldn't get out of bed.  I so desperately wanted and believed that God would heal Mel. And I don't understand why He didn't. Mel was 31 years old. His son is only 6. His daughter turns 5 in two weeks. I only had seven years of marriage. I don't understand why the diagnosis was cancer. I don't understand why there was a relapse. I don't understand why God didn't heal him. I don't. I don't like our reality right now. I don't like that I only have videos and pictures of the one I loved so much. I don't like that my children only have memories. It hurts. It is crushing. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. And so I laid in bed all day today.

But I know I will get out of bed. Above all I know my children need me. And I know I won't be laying in bed every day. And I am thankful for those two little children so much. A lot of times when people get married they put off having children for a few years so they can enjoy time together as newlyweds. Mel and I decided when we got married that we were not going to do that. And we also knew that we would only have two children and if they came back to back that was okay. So five months after our marriage I got pregnant with Malachi and when he was 9 months old I got pregnant with Hannah. And I am thankful that we didn't put off having children. And I am thankful we didn't spread our pregnancies out. I know my two children need me but they probably don't understand how much I need them to get through this dark time.

And so once the memorial service is over our Saturday's will be spent going to the zoo. We will take trips to the park. My house will be a mess as toys will be scattered throughout every room as we play together. This summer they will take swimming lessons. Nights will be spent homeschooling them. And dinners will be eaten around the table.

We talk about a season of mourning but I really do feel like it is a lifetime of mourning. The intense pain may not always linger and healing will come but my children don't have a father and I don't have a husband. We will always be missing one from the table. And if there is anything I want people to understand is that. My children may have smiles on their faces and they may be spending their days playing and watching cartoons but before bed they lay in my arms crying and telling me how much they miss their dad. And I believe, for them, missing their dad will grow as they get older. And so as the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years that is something I hope people will understand. I will always miss my husband. I will always wish we had more time together. My children will have a void from not having a dad in their life.

But I know that God will see us through. I believe the words my husband declared that no matter what God is good. The miracle didn't come the way I so desperately thought it would but God is still a healer. I will still praise God when I hear of testimonies of Him healing. I will still go to God in prayer because He still answers prayers. I am not angry at God for not healing my husband. I know  it is the comfort that comes from God that will see us through. I know it is He who is giving me peace and will continue to give me peace. I know that He will restore my joy. I know that in this intense season of pain, God's love is covering me.

To everyone who has prayed for my family it means the world to me. To those who have donated you have no idea how much that means. We were a two income family until my husband got sick and for the last two years we have been one income. I have an amazing job where I work from home and that is so desperately needed right now. Unfortunately my income doesn't cover all our expenses and so to those who have donated you have lifted a burden off my shoulders.

Here is the link for those who have been asking


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