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In case I don't make it

“In case I don’t make it.” Those are the words I heard come out of my husband’s mouth on Monday. Those words stung. Those words crushed. Those words broke me. Those are words I don’t want to hear. Those are words I don’t want to live.
On January 29th, 2009 Mel proposed to me. We got married twice. Once in San Antonio on August 8, 2009 and then again a month later in California. And I don't want to hear the words "in case I don't make it." I don't want to imagine a life without my husband by my side. I don't want to experience the crushing pain of losing the one I love so much. I don't want my daughter to grow up with a dad. I don't want my son to grow up without his daddy.
Two years, twenty-five months, approximately 750 days since the diagnosis.

Seven years, eighty-nine months and approximately 2,670 days of marriage. Way too short of time to hear the words "if I don't make it."

 (A picture taken after we officially started dating)

Mel is tired. He has been hospitalized 18 times. He has spent probably close to 400 days total away from his children as most hospital stays were 2-3 weeks. He has received 10 cycles of Hyper CVAD chemo, 4 cycles of Nelarbine. He has been paralyzed since September. He obtained a bed wound in the hospital. His bone marrow has been destroyed. And he is tired.

(how we have to take family pictures now)

We have witnessed so many miraculous things that only God can do. We have seen our income multiplied. We have witnessed a tumor disappearing. We have been told multiple times by doctors that there is nothing else they can do only to see God step in. But Mel is tired.

(Mel can't do this anymore)

He is tired of seeing his almost 5 year old daughter cry because she wants to lay on daddy's arm. He is tired of not being able to get on the floor with his 6 year old son and play with them. He is tired of watching me work, take care of him, pay the bills and spend hours on the phone with the insurance. He is tired.


He has from day one declared that God is good. He has never stopped praising God. He has never stopped loving God. He has never cursed God. In the middle of the night I often hear Mel singing songs of praise, praying and speaking in other tongues. But he is tired.

 (This was taken during cycle 3 of chemotherapy)

He is tired of having to think "in case he doesn't make it." He is not giving up. He has not stopped fighting. But he is tired.

Today in his prayer he was so transparent with God. He asked God to use someone else. He said he would just sit on the back pew and be content with that. And he wasn't saying this out of a rebellious mindset. He wasn't saying this because he doesn't trust God. He is tired.

Mel has endured what most people won't endure. He has endured the prison like situation of Joseph, the wilderness situation of David, the lion den's situation of Daniel, the fiery pit situation of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, the palace situation of Esther and the barrenness situation of Hannah. And he is tired.

(my kids have walked through hospital doors to visit their dad hundreds of times)

He wants this season of pain to end. Anyone in his position would. We are in a season of silence. Just like God didn't reveal to Jacob that Joseph was alive, we feel as though God isn't completely revealing the plan or the purpose. We know there is a plan and a purpose but silence is what we hear.

We spent another night in the hospital
Another night away from our children.
Another day in the emergency room.
Another day of doctor visits.
Another day of transfusions.

And Mel is tired.

And so as the number of hospital stays increases the weariness does as well. I wrote this blog to be honest. As much as we smile and as we continue praising God we are tired. We are hurting. We feel depleted many times.

But in our heart we know that God is not limited to the number of miracles He can perform. He doesn't have a quota system. And as painful as it is to be in the positon where a miracle is so desperately needed I take comfort in knowing the situation doesn't scare God. In our heart we know that while we spend another day in this season of pain, it is also another day that God has not left us. It is another day that He will give us peace. And He will give us enough strength to make it another day.

Here is a link to the FB page for my husband:

Here is a link to the gofundme account

You can also follow me on instagram: @kimjoylira 


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