I can't sleep. And I realize bed time is probably going to be the hardest part of my day. I have a 6 year old and an almost 5 year old. Soon I will return to work. I will be busy during the day working and then homeschooling in the evening. Things will distract me and keep me busy. But at night time after the kids are sleeping, I won't have my husband's chest to lie on.
Mel became paralyzed due to the chemotherapy in September but once he came home from the hospital I would pull up one of our beds next to his hospital bed, pull down the railing on his bed and lay on his chest. When he was able to walk our kids slept in the same bed with us. But once they fell asleep we moved them to the bed next to ours and I would lay on his chest. And I don't have my husband's chest to lie on anymore.
I have so much peace concerning his passing and knowing that he is in heaven but that does not diminish the giant hole I feel like I have in my heart. He was the one I talked to about my crazy day at work. He was the one I shared all of my dreams with. He was the one that I talked to concerning our children. I created our dinner menus around what he liked to eat. I have thousands of text messages in my phone indicating that we spent most of our day talking to each other. And when it was bed time and the craziness of the day died down, I would lie on his chest as I fell asleep.
And yet I can't do that anymore. I want to hold his hand again. I want to hear his voice. I want to receive a text message from him letting me know he is on his way home from work. I want to hear him playing with the children in the loft. I want to lie on his chest again.
I want this so desperately to be a nightmare. Until you have lost someone you may never have prayed that God would rewind time, but I have prayed that prayer so many times within the last week. I know He is not going to but I would like Him to. I have complete confidence that God will see us through. I am not going to let grief consume our life. My children are so young. And they like to spend most of their day playing and they need me to play with them. They need me to laugh with them. They need me. They are my priority and I know the hole in their heart will probably grow bigger as they get older from missing their dad. And I know that they are looking to me. They are dealing with not just the death of their dad but the last two years they have witnessed more than most young children witness. They saw their dad hooked up to chemotherapy. They spent weeks at a time separated from him when he was in the hospital. And they had to see the dad that used to play on the floor with them and give them shoulder rides confined to a bed. There is a great weight on my shoulders but I know that God will help me to ensure that I am the mom my children so desperately need me to be. I know that God was with us every single day when Mel was undergoing chemotherapy and I know that God will continue to be with us every single day. I know that God is not going to let me fall. I know that He is holding me right now. I know that He has seen every single tear I have cried and has seen how broken my heart is. I know God knows the pain I am in. And I know that He is providing me comfort. I know He will restore my joy. I know He will give me the strength to make it every single day. I know that Mel's death is not the end of the story that God has for my children and myself. I am not mad at God.
But I so desperately want to be able to lie on my husband's chest right now.