Putting my husband on life support

How is it that on Thursday we were discussing discharge plans and today my husband is hooked up to a breathing tube because he cannot breathe on his own? As I type this I am staring at my husband, my eyes burning from crying, not ready to say good bye. I feel like it was just yesterday when we met after a church service. And memories of our first date, him proposing to me, our marriage and birth of our two children flood my mind. I can picture myself standing across from him as we said our vows and the love that he had after holding Malachi and Hannah for the first time.


And I cannot believe he is on life support. We knew the cancer was back but with transfusions we thought we had months if God choose not to perform a miracle. But a bed wound he developed in another hospital sent him to ICU. His bone was infected and they were going to start him on antibiotics. They weren't concerned that the infection was growing rapidly the antibiotics was to prevent the spread. But the antibiotics caused a bacteria to grow which resulted in severe diarrhea and then that got in his wound causing more bacteria to grow.

And so now I look at my amazing husband hooked up to a breathing tube with 6 different things draining in him and I don't remember the last thing we said to each other last night. My children were last able to communicate with their dad on Thursday and I had them stay home this weekend because of the diarrhea. I never imagined that Thursday may be the last time they would be able to talk to him and hear his voice.

And I had the painful take of trying to explain to a 6 year old and almost 5 year old that their dad may not survive. And it is heartbreaking to think that Hannah turns 5 in two weeks and may not have her dad with her. I have not given up hope but I know it doesn't look good.

My head pounds, my eyes are burning red and I am experiencing a pain never felt before.  So many people are going to be postings pictures of what their significant other got them for valentine's day tomorrow and all I want is to hear Mel's voice.

I don't know how I will survive this. I don't know how I will take another step. I don't know how I will go from being a family of 4 to being one of 4.  But I am not angry with God. I don't understand. And I will probably never understand. But I am not letting go of my faith in God even if He doesn't heal. He is real. And He is a healer even if He chooses not to heal. And even if my prayers aren't the way I want them to be that doesn't mean He doesn't answer prayers. And even if the miracle doesn't come for our family, it doesn't mean He doesn't perform miracles.

If you could consider helping our family financially that is appreciated. I am out of sick days at work and all leave taken is unpaid. I have an out of pocket insurance max that we met that I will begin receiving bills for. I have my insurance premium to pay while I am on leave. And I will have the devastating task of paying for a funeral if my husband doesn't pull through. If that is the case, my children desperately need me to be there for them to help them with healing and our one income household fell short each month with our expenses. I can't believe this was taken on Thursday and now my husband is hooked up on a breathing machine unable to breath on his own. I am sharing our gofundme link and asking if you are able to donate we appreciate it. I am out of paid time off and all time taken is unpaid. In addition while I am out I am responsible for our insurance premium so that will be an added expense. Unless God intervenes I will also be having funeral expenses. If Mel passes aways, which is likely, I will have two little children who will have so much healing to do. Helping our family out financially would ease the burden that is on my shoulders.