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Showing posts from March, 2017

Giving your shattered dreams to God when a spouse dies

My husband and I were married for 7.5 years. With the exception of two work trips for me and a short trip to California, my husband and I spent every single day of the last 7.5 years together. When he was healthy, we spoke on the phone multiple times a day and spent much of it texting each other. His face was the first one I saw each morning and it was the last one I saw each night. Every single plan we had for our future involved each other. Even though he had cancer for the last two years, he responded so well to treatment, that I really didn’t think he would pass away. He was admitted to the hospital on January 31st and we were discussing discharge plans on February 9th with his doctor. In fact, the discharge date was written on the calendar in his room for February 14th. He was sent home on the 14th. Only it wasn’t to his earthly home, it was to heaven.

 (We have become a family of 3)

When I got married, I thought I would have 50 years with my husband. Every single dream and plan in…

Why I can't watch HGTV anymore

I used to love watching HGTV.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014 we sat in the emergency room waiting for the results of the CT scan, praying it was just pneumonia. HGTV's Fixer Upper played in the background. Mel would eventually make around 8 more emergency room visits during the next two years and each time HGTV played in the background.

(hospital stay # 1)
When my husband was getting chemotherapy he would spend two weeks out of every month in the hospital. The type of cancer he had required high doses of chemotherapy. He was often hooked up to chemo for hours at a time. Many nights I would spend the night with him and he would graciously let me watch HGTV in the hospital. He would tell me it didn't matter what we watched, he was just glad I was with him. So as he was hooked up to chemotherapy or wearing a mask because his white blood count was so low, we would spend time together watching HGTV.

(hospital stay # 3)

He somehow started liking the show…

Why Satan doesn't want me to pray

On Saturday I found myself alone in the house for the first time since Mel passed away. There has not been one day since Mel died that I have been without the children. And really there hasn’t been a day since probably since April or May of last year that I have been by myself. And so I went upstairs to the room where I usually pray and fell to the floor and poured my heart out to God. There were times during my time in prayer where I had no words to say, but I let the tears that fell so freely be the words of my prayer. I presented my hurting heart to God. I presented the intense pain that doesn’t seem to go away to God. I gave Him my worries and my fears.

Prayer is one thing that Satan doesn’t want me to do. The Bible talks about Satan being like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. When lions hunt they usually look for the weak. They target the young, the old and the hurting because those are the easiest to take down. The strong animals fight back too hard and too long and …

The challenges a young widow (and widower) face

When I go to the grocery store with my children no one would know that a month ago my husband passed away. From outside appearances, I do not match the image most of us have in our mind about widows (and widowers). I am 36. I have a five year old daughter and a six year old son. Most people when they see me in the grocery store, the park or a restaurant, would probably assume that my husband was at home or at work. It most likely never crosses their mind that my husband is no longer living.  I don't claim to be an expert on widowhood. I have only been a widow for a month. I write about what I am going through though. I hate that the last two years my posts have been about cancer and now about being a widow. Those are two things no one wants to experience but cancer and death stormed into my home and I write so others can see a glimpse of what those things are like.

There are challenges a young widow (and widower) face. There are some who may feel that because your time with your…

Why the church doesn't need any more coffee bars

More and more on my social media feeds I have been seeing a lot of churches boast of the cool, trendy new initiatives that they have begun. I have seen pictures of coffee bars that resemble Starbucks. I have seen lighting that resembles one seen on Broadway. I have read catchy sermon titles and have seen how people have brought the movies into their sermons. In so many of these posts, I see all that churches are doing to attract new members, but I don't hear them talking about the power of Jesus. 

My husband passed away February 14th, 2017 after a two year battle with cancer.

To say he battled cancer is an understatement. He was hospitalized two weeks out of every month during the first year of treatment. He was hospitalized a total of 18 times. He was rushed to the emergency room 8 times. He spent close to 500 days separated from his two children over the course of two years. And eventually the chemo, designed to get rid of the cancer, caused him to be paralyzed. And for the last …

All is well

On February 14th I lost my best friend. My husband. The father of my two precious children. Since then I have cried a multitude of tears. My heart feels shattered. I am 36 and the pain I feel is immense and so I can't even begin to imagine how the pain of losing their dad feels to a six year old and five year old. Our house feels so empty. Pictures of my husband fill each room as do memories. It is so hard to convey the pain the one feels from losing someone they loved so much. Last night I held a five year old girl as she sobbed uncontrollably because she missed her dad so much. And when she finally fell asleep from crying, I slipped out of the bed, went to the loft and then cried uncontrollably myself. I absolutely know that my husband is in heaven and I have so much peace that he is not suffering anymore. When I think of all that he had to endure the last two years of cancer treatment I am thankful that he is not in pain any longer. He had chemo dripping through his body at tim…

Why didn't God perform the miracle?

If we are honest this is a question many have asked. Why didn't God perform the miracle?

My husband was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. And every day we prayed for and believed God could and would perform the miracle. But He didn't. On February 14th my husband passed away. We are now left with memories. Some people are afraid to ask God the question "Why didn't you heal him?" There is a difference between asking God a question and questioning God. We can ask God questions but we can't question the things God chooses to do.

Sometimes God doesn't perform the miracle we so desperately want. Our prayer wasn't out of line. We weren't praying for a million dollars. We weren't praying for a mansion to live in. We weren't praying for status in life. We were praying for a healing. A healing for a 31 year old who was married with two children and had countless people who loved him. Yet God didn't perform the miracle our heart desired.


When your spouse dies

Tuesday marked two weeks since my husband passed away. And it sucks. I don't use that word in my every day vocabulary but it does suck. Losing your spouse is hard. I know he is in heaven. I have peace that he is not suffering anymore. I am thankful that his pain is gone. I look at pictures of him during the last four months while he was bedridden and paralyzed due to chemotherapy and my heart takes comfort in knowing that he doesn't have to endure that anymore. But my husband is gone. And that is brutal.

When two people get married they do become one. They do not lead separate lives they join in marriage to lead one. Their dreams are shared and connected. Their plans involve each other. They know each other more intimately than anyone else. And when a spouse dies it is as if half of you has been ripped away. It is painful. My best friend is not here anymore. The one I talked to every single day during our 7.5 years of marriage is gone. The face I saw when I woke up and the vo…