When your spouse dies

Tuesday marked two weeks since my husband passed away. And it sucks. I don't use that word in my every day vocabulary but it does suck. Losing your spouse is hard. I know he is in heaven. I have peace that he is not suffering anymore. I am thankful that his pain is gone. I look at pictures of him during the last four months while he was bedridden and paralyzed due to chemotherapy and my heart takes comfort in knowing that he doesn't have to endure that anymore. But my husband is gone. And that is brutal.

When two people get married they do become one. They do not lead separate lives they join in marriage to lead one. Their dreams are shared and connected. Their plans involve each other. They know each other more intimately than anyone else. And when a spouse dies it is as if half of you has been ripped away. It is painful. My best friend is not here anymore. The one I talked to every single day during our 7.5 years of marriage is gone. The face I saw when I woke up and the voice I heard as I went to sleep is no longer here. I am left with pictures, videos and memories and those are not enough. When your spouse dies everything changes.  I was a wife. I am now a widow. Part of who I was is gone. I was Melchor Lira's wife. And now Melchor Lira is no longer living. My life has changed and it is hard.

I woke up on February 13th married to the love of my life and I went to sleep the next day without him by my side. Every dream I had for my life was tied to him. Every plan I ever made involved him. And he is gone. I do trust in God. I place my hope in God. I know that God has not left me. I know that He will see me through. But I don't have my husband with me right now. There is a void from not being able to hear his voice, feel his touch or see him.

I know that God will heal my heart. I know He will strengthen me. I know that He will restore my joy. But there is always going to be a piece of me missing. And that will always hurt. There will be dreams we didn't get to share. There will be plans we didn't get to see come to pass. There will be memories we didn't get to make. I want to text him. I want to call him. I want to share with him so many things. And I can't. Because he is not here.

There is a long road of healing ahead of me. I smile. I laugh. I get up and go to work. I take care of my children. I clean the house, do laundry and pick up toys. I go to the grocery store. I take my children to their dentist appointments. On the outside I may look okay. A stranger would never even know that my life was turned upside down two weeks ago. But the pain from losing my 31 year old husband is intense. There is an emptiness inside of me. There is a hole in my heart. 

I have total confidence that God will see me through. I know that He will give me the strength I need to make it. I believe He will restore a lot of things my family lost during the last two years. But this is not something that takes place overnight. God provides comfort to those who mourn but the mourning process doesn't end when the funeral is over. He is near to the brokenhearted but the heart does take awhile to mend and heal.