Showing posts from May, 2017

I miss my husband so much...

I miss my husband so much. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he would smile when he saw me walk through the room. I miss the compliments he would give me when I cooked. I miss holding his hand. I miss sitting next to him in church. I miss being the passenger while he is the driver. I miss sharing my dreams with him. I miss making parenting decisions with him. I miss sitting on the couch after Malachi and Hannah had fallen asleep and drinking coffee. I miss him making me coffee in the morning. I miss watching him play bass on Sunday mornings. I miss having his clothes mixed in with ours when I do laundry. I miss him sleeping next to me at night. I miss how he made me feel. I miss his voice. I miss his touch. I miss his smile.
I miss his laugh. I miss hearing him pray in the middle of the night. I miss watching him play with the kids on the floor. I miss hearing him making cartoon character voices. I miss seeing him share his ice cream with them at night. I miss him putting…

Marriage on the horizon

In March of 2007 I went to Austin, Texas to speak at a college and career church service. Unbeknownst to me, I attracted the attention of a young man. It would be 8 more months before our paths crossed. This young man saw me again at a church service in Dallas and came to introduce himself. We had a fifteen minute conversation. And parted ways. Yet in March of 2008 once again our paths crossed at another church service and this time we exchanged numbers. An entire year had passed between the time he first saw me to the time we started talking on the phone getting to know each other. And in 2009, this girl from California married the guy who lived in Texas.

I thought about that this morning. I was living for God when Mel saw me. In my season of being single, I was praising God, worshipping Him and allowing God to use me. And that is what I was doing when I caught the eye of Mel. I had no idea that when I went to Austin in March of 2007 I attracted the eye of someone, but I am thankfu…

Can you have peace when things aren't going according to plan?

We like to hear about the healings, the miracles and the prayers that God answers. We love hearing testimonies of God doing the impossible. Because He can. And He does. I look at my life and I can spend hours talking about all of the things that God has done for me. I can testify of the doors that He opened and the miracles that He performed. He does part the seas in our life. He does deliver us from the lion's den. He does raise to life things that we thought were dead. God does all of that.

But that is not what this blog is about.

This morning while I was cleaning, I felt God ask "Can you be content (or have peace) in every season of your life?" I have felt God ask me this question many times over the last two years. In 2014 my husband was diagnosed with cancer. In 2017 he passed away. While we love to talk about prosperity and blessings, there are times in our life that we will endure pain. And during those times, God asks us if we can be content (or have peace)?


Signs of life

On February 9th, 2017 the doctor's were discussing hospital discharge plans with Mel and me. By February 13th, he was hooked up to machines that were keeping him alive. The doctor's told me that his body was fighting as hard as it could to stay alive but it didn't look good. And on February 14th at 7:24 in the morning my husband passed away. There are no words to describe the pain I have experienced over the last three months since he passed away. There are no words to describe the pain I have experienced since December 30, 2014 when we first heard the words cancer directed towards my husband.

I have read articles, books and social media postings written by widows and I can tell you that no matter how old a person was when their spouse died, no matter how many years pass from a spouse's passing and regardless of whether one stays single or gets remarried, there will always be pain from losing a spouse. There will be nights where the tears won't stop flowing.

But …

My first mother's day as a widow

I thought mother's day 2015 was hard because the following day my husband had to go back to the hospital for his 3rd cycle of chemotherapy.

I thought mother's day 2016 was hard because the previous week my husband had been discharged from a 21 day hospital stay where we learned the cancer had returned.

But the last two years don't compare to the pain that this week has presented. Mother's day 2017 will likely prove to be the most difficult as it will be my first as a single parent. And I am a single parent because my husband died.

They say grief comes in like waves and the wave I have experienced this week has been brutal. I don't know if it came because of Mother's Day. I don't know if I was reminded of what this time last year was like when the cancer returned. I don't know but it has been hard. I have wanted so many times to tell Mel something but he is not here for me to tell him. I want to wake up each morning with him next to me. I want to go to …

What every person should read before they get married

There will come a day where you stand across from the person you have fallen head over hills for. You will look them in their eyes with such happiness because the day has finally arrived. In a matter of moments you will go from single to married. You may have dreamed about this day since you were a child. You probably imagined the type of person you were going to marry, even creating a list of the qualities and traits you wanted your future spouse to have. And when the day arrives, I pray that you remember this.

There will be good days in your marriage. There will be days where your spouse will do something so romantic for you. There will be days where you will feel the same butterflies in your stomach as you did when you first started dating. There will be celebrations. There will be date nights. There will be days where you will feel as though you are living in a dream because things just keep getting better and better. There will be moments where you are living the “better, richer an…

The face of a widow on National Widow's Day....

I guess it's national widow' s day.  I thought I would join this club when I was 90, not in my thirties. I thought my husband would grow old and grey with me and not die at 31. I thought my children would have decades with their dad not lose him when they were 5 and 6. When we think of the widow, we think of someone who is in their 90s', was married for 60 years and has children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Yet there are many faces of a widow. No one wants to join this club called widowhood. The initiation is brutal. The journey painful.

I am the face of a widow. When I go to the grocery store, the zoo or the park no one probably would suspect that my husband passed away.  I used to define myself as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a Christian, a writer. I now add widow to that list. I think grief is something we don't understand. I smile, but at times don't feel okay. I laugh, but at times my heart is still breaking. I live, but at times the sorrow is con…