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My first mother's day as a widow

I thought mother's day 2015 was hard because the following day my husband had to go back to the hospital for his 3rd cycle of chemotherapy.

I thought mother's day 2016 was hard because the previous week my husband had been discharged from a 21 day hospital stay where we learned the cancer had returned.

But the last two years don't compare to the pain that this week has presented. Mother's day 2017 will likely prove to be the most difficult as it will be my first as a single parent. And I am a single parent because my husband died.

They say grief comes in like waves and the wave I have experienced this week has been brutal. I don't know if it came because of Mother's Day. I don't know if I was reminded of what this time last year was like when the cancer returned. I don't know but it has been hard. I have wanted so many times to tell Mel something but he is not here for me to tell him. I want to wake up each morning with him next to me. I want to go to sleep hearing his voice. I want him to walk in the door at 5 in evening because he is coming home from work. I want to receive text messages throughout the day with him telling me he misses me and loves me and can't wait until he is home like he used to. I want to hear him telling the kids a bedtime story before they go to sleep. I want to sit next to him on the couch in the evening like we used to drinking coffee talking about our day.

I don't want to be a widow. I want to be a wife. 

The heartache one experiences from watching their spouse take their last breath and with it all of the hopes and dreams also is indescribable. There is no pain that compares to the pain of being left with with only memories and questions of why. 2015 was hard. 2016 harder. And 2017 has proven to be the hardest of them all. My heart has been shattered. Tonight I am hurting. I am hurting that the plans we had for the future didn't come to pass. I am hurting that I only got 7 years of marriage. I am hurting that at 36 I had to watch the one I love so much take his last breath. I am missing my husband so much. I miss his voice. I miss his embrace. I miss his scent. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the love he showed me. I miss our conversations.

I know am hurting so much because I was blessed with an amazing husband and so I am hurting because of the love we had. I know this wave of grief will pass. I know better days will come. And I know this wave won't destroy me. I am very transparent with what it looks like when a spouse dies. I share the good days because there are many. But I would be doing a disservice to others if I didn't share the hard days because there are many.

Yet God was with me in 2015. He saw us through 8 cycles of chemo, 10 hospital stays and hundreds of nights where my husband laid in a hospital bed. When I was depleted, He filled me. When I was weak, he strengthened me. When I was full of sorrow, he uplifted me. And God was there in 2016. He saw us through a relapse, paralysis and 9 hospital stays and hundreds of nights where my husband laid in a hospital bed. When we were hurting, God gave us peace. When the storm was raging so loud and powerful, God whispered His love for us.  And God is here in 2017. He has given me comfort as I had to say goodbye to my husband. He filled me with peace though my world was shattered.  There have been many days filled with exhaustion, but God has given me strength. And when I didn't understand why, He has showered me with love. When the tears wouldn't stop because the pain was so intense, God let me cry.

God was good the day I got married and God was still good the day my husband died. God was good when my husband was healthy and God was still good the day he was diagnosed with cancer. God was good when the cancer was in remission and God was good the day my husband relapsed. God was good when I was a wife and God is still good now that I am a widow.

Mother's Day 2017 may be the hardest Mother's Day for me but God will see me through.

 (Mother's Day 2016)


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