Signs of life

On February 9th, 2017 the doctor's were discussing hospital discharge plans with Mel and me. By February 13th, he was hooked up to machines that were keeping him alive. The doctor's told me that his body was fighting as hard as it could to stay alive but it didn't look good. And on February 14th at 7:24 in the morning my husband passed away. There are no words to describe the pain I have experienced over the last three months since he passed away. There are no words to describe the pain I have experienced since December 30, 2014 when we first heard the words cancer directed towards my husband.

I have read articles, books and social media postings written by widows and I can tell you that no matter how old a person was when their spouse died, no matter how many years pass from a spouse's passing and regardless of whether one stays single or gets remarried, there will always be pain from losing a spouse. There will be nights where the tears won't stop flowing.

But this post is not about the pain it is about the signs of life. Because even though pain results from losing a spouse at the same time we serve a God who gives life. Everyday I wake up and I pray that God would give me hope for my future. I ask Him to fill me with joy, peace and laughter. I ask Him to help me dream again. I ask Him to help me live again. And little by little I see God answering those prayers. There are signs of life again.

While we should pray for the tangible things it is just as important to pray for the intangible. I pray for comfort, strength and endurance. I pray that joy will replace the deep sorrow. I pray that comfort will replace the deep pain. I pray that laughter will replace the mourning. I pray all of this because I know that God can. So many people have commented on how strong I am. But this strength is not man-made. It comes only from God. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that God's plans for our life are good and not of evil. In Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good. It doesn't say that everything in our life will feel good but God can turn any situation around. When a spouse dies, there will always be pain, but sorrow doesn't have to consume you.

In order for flowers to bloom they have to be watered. Without water, they will die. When a spouse dies it is so easy to look at all the plans that aren't coming to pass. It is so easy to look at the bad in the situation. And in doing so we run the risk of spiritually dying. Yes, the situation is bad. Yes, it brutally hurts that plans aren't coming to pass. But God still does have a plan for your life.  We don't deny the pain, because if you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would know I don't deny the pain or hurt I am feeling. But everyday I make sure I am spiritually watered. Everyday, I present my petitions to God in prayer. And I spend time praising and worshipping Him. I keep my eyes focused on God and in doing so, He gives me signs of life.