Trusting in God when storm clouds hover over your life

This morning I had a dentist appointment. One would not think that simple appointment could be so emotional but it was. In December of 2014 I went to the dentist and needed some follow-up work done. I had the appointments made for January of 2015. But I was never able to get the follow up work because just a couple of weeks later Mel was diagnosed with cancer. Getting my dental work done was no longer a priority as Mel endured 15 cycles of chemotherapy and 18 hospital stays. And so today, I had my follow-up appointment 2.5 years later. I was a wife 2.5 years ago when I first sat in the dental chair and a widow when I sat in it today.

And that hurts. I used to have a spouse to sit next to in church and now I don’t. I was once the passenger in the car and now I am always the driver. I used to plan my dinner menus based off of what Mel liked to eat and now many nights I don’t even cook. I used to have a chest to lay on as I drifted to sleep at night and now I don’t. I used to have a hand to hold. For seven years every morning I heard the words “good morning beautiful” and I haven’t heard those words in 4.5 months.  I used to have someone to make plans for the future with and now it is just me. For a little over seven years I was Melchor Lira’s wife and now I am his widow. And so many things are different because of that title change.  I am not the same person I was 2.5 years ago before cancer came storming in our life.

A few weeks ago I had to tell someone my marital status and they said “you are too young to be a widow.” Losing a spouse, regardless of how old one is, is painful. But there is an added sting when your spouse dies so young. I don’t have 30, 25 or 20 years of marriage to reminisce on. I have 7.  Mel isn’t here to teach his kids how to ride a bike without training wheels. He wasn’t here to teach them how to tie their shoes. He never got to witness Malachi losing his first tooth. He never got to see Hannah start kindergarten. He won’t be there when they graduate from high school. He won't be able to teach them how to drive a car. He will never hear of their first date. He won’t be able to share in the excitement as they graduate from college or plan their weddings.


And it hurts. Today when I got home from the emotional dentist appointment I went to my room and began to pray. There are so many things God has done and is doing in my life right now. So many doors He has opened and so many blessings He has poured out to me. Yet the pain doesn't end when the funeral is over. There are many different types of relationships, but there is no greater intimacy than the relationship shared by spouses. And so every aspect of my life has been affected and changed by the loss of my husband. I know God hears my prayers. I know He sees my pain. I know every tear that I cry He takes notice of. In the last 4.5 months since Mel passed away I have felt a peace and a strength that is so hard to convey with words, but I am experiencing a brokenness that most people will never have to endure. I go to God daily because He is the one who strengthens me and gives me the peace that I need.

Today after I poured out my pain to God within my spirit I felt Him ask me if I would trust Him.

 “Will you trust Me? Even though things don’t make sense, will you trust Me? Even though your heart is hurting, will you trust Me? Even though the road is not the one you planned to take, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I have your life in My hands? Will you trust that your heart won’t always feel so shattered? Will you trust that I can take the sorrow and give you joy? Will you trust that I do have a plan and purpose for your life? Will you trust Me when I say you aren’t being punished and you did nothing wrong? Will you trust that My love will see you through? Will you trust that dark clouds won’t always hover over you? Will you trust that I can restore all that has been lost? Will you trust that I hold you when you are hurting? Will you trust that I know how this story ends? Will you trust Me even in the silence? Will you trust Me?"

And so in prayer today, I declared once again that my complete confidence and trust is in God. I am in the midst of the storm, but God is here. He is love. He is peace. He is joy. He is strength. He is comfort. He is good.

(The weekend we officially started dating)


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