To my deceased husband on our anniversary.....

To my deceased husband on our anniversary, 

August 14th will mark 6 months since you passed away...Yet August 8th marks what should have been our 8th wedding anniversary....




Eight years ago I stood across from you and said “in sickness and in health….till death do us part…”
I thought we had a lifetime together. 

I had no idea that sickness would come five years after we said our vows. And I wasn’t prepared for death to come so soon.

Seven years was not enough time with you.

We didn’t get to see the dreams and plans we had for the future come to pass.

We didn’t get to grow old together.



 And it feels so unfair that you aren’t here.

It feels unfair that you aren’t laying next to me during the night.

That you aren’t waking up by my side in the morning.

That there is no turning of the door knobs at 5:30 with you walking through the front door.

It feels so unfair that I am not cooking dinner for you in the evening.

And not sitting on the couch next to you at night drinking coffee.

It seems so unfair that death do us part came so soon.




I wish I could say that it hurts less as time goes on that you are gone.

I wish I could say my heart doesn’t still feel as broken.

I wish I could say that I am okay.




But I can’t.

You completed me in so many ways.

You knew me better than anyone else.

You were the reason I had a smile on my face.



And now you are gone.

Seven years wasn’t enough.

You made me feel smart. You made me feel loved. You made me feel as though I was your world.

And now you are gone.




And so some days my heart shatters all over again.
Some days the pain of you gone is more intense than it was when you took your last breath.
Some days the grief is overwhelming.

Some days I don't feel okay.



Yet I know that you are in heaven.
I know your pain is gone.
I know the suffering you endured so bravely has ended. 
I know your story ended in victory.



And I know that you would want me to live. 

I know you would want me to enjoy life.

I know that you would want me to have hope for my future.

I know that you would want me to move forward.

I know you prayed so many times that I wouldn’t drown in sorrow. And I know you prayed that I wasn’t consumed with grief. I know you prayed that I could find happiness again. I know you prayed that the smile on my face would one day return.



But today I am going to cry. Today I am going to hurt. Today I am going to let my heart stay shattered.

Tomorrow I will live. Tomorrow I will move forward. Tomorrow I will hope for my future.

I know that one day the story will change. I know one day this chapter of pain won't be so intense.  

But today....

Today I am going to grieve that which I lost.
Because I lost my best friend.
I lost the one who completed me.
I lost all the plans I had for our future.
I lost so much when you died.





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