When life doesn't go according to our plan

Eight years ago I had the wedding of my dreams. 13 months after our wedding, my husband and I welcomed our son into the world. 12 months later we bought our first home. And 17 months after the birth of my son we welcomed our daughter. We were living the American dream. A home. Two children. Nice jobs.

Yet on December 30, 2014 our life came crashing down when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.
And on February 14, 2017, when my husband took his last breath, everything changed.
My life has not turned out the way I planned.
I planned on growing old with my husband. I planned on having him here to see his children grow up.  I planned my life and my future around him.
I never thought my life would include watching my 31 year old husband take his last breath.  I never thought my life would include being an only parent to two very young children. I never thought my life would include me as a widow at such a young age.  Nor did I think it would include having a five year son and six year old daughter no longer having a living father.
We lived according to scripture.
We prayed.
We read our Bibles.
We went to church every week.
And when cancer stormed into our life-
We trusted in God when the diagnosis came.
We believed in a miracle.
Yet my life took an unexpected turn and I find myself in a position I never imagined I would be.
The story didn't end the way I thought I would...
I am not supposed to be a widow.
Widows are supposed to be in their 80s.
They are supposed to have a head full of grey hair.
They should have enjoyed 50 years of marriage.
They aren’t supposed to be in their 30s.
They shouldn’t have elementary school aged children.

Widowhood was never a part of my plan.

This was never a part of how I pictured my life.


But God always knew.
And He allowed it...
Sometimes it is hard for us to comprehend that....
That God would allow
tears to be a part of my life
heartbreak to be a part of my life
sleepless nights be a part of my life.
That He would allow a 5 year old and 6 year to grow up without their dad
That He would allow a young wife to have to plan a funeral for the love of her life....
It is hard for some to comprehend that.
But this is just a part of the story...
It is not the end of it.
While pain may be constant in this chapter of my life,
joy will fill so many other chapters

When life takes a turn we never expected…
It is uncomfortable.

It is heartbreaking.

It doesn’t make sense.
It is overwhelming.

I hurt.

I cry.

I have questions.

I don’t understand why.
And there are times when I have a hard time picturing my future because I never imagined this would be a part of my present.

 When the tears fall.

And the questions shout.

When my heart breaks.

And the pain intensifies....
And when I begin to think life is not going according to my plan....

I trust in God…

I praise God…

In life pain happens.
And in life, sometimes God doesn’t heal.
In life, sometimes God doesn’t perform the earthly miracle.
He is still good.
He is still love.
Life has not gone according to my plan.
But God has not left me.
He hears my prayers
He sees my tears.
He knows this pain will not crush me.
He knows this situation will not defeat me.
And He knows this season of mourning will not always be so intense.
And so while life has not gone according to my plan
I have not lost hope for my future
I have not lost faith in God
I have not grown angry
Even though pain has been a constant for some time
I do believe that God has great plans in store for me
I do believe that happiness will return
joy will return
My peace has not been lost
sorrow is not consuming me
Life has not gone according to my plan but
God's strength has sustained me
His comfort has embraced me
His peace has surrounded me
His love has uplifted me
He has carried me  
Heaven is real
My husband's story did not end in defeat
It ended in victory when he took his last breath
And while life has not gone according to my plans
There is a great joy knowing that my husband is in heaven
A little about me:

On February 14, 2017 my husband passed away at the age of 31. He fought cancer for two years. In a moment I went from wife to widow and entered into the club no one wants to belong to. I have two young children. I am a homeschooling mom and work in the educational field. I attend First United Pentecostal Church in San Antonio, Texas.
IG: @kimjoylira