On the anniversary of my husband's death

A year ago today I sat across from my husband holding his hand letting him know that his time on earth was coming to a close. I whispered in his ear and told him how much I loved him and that he was the strongest person I knew. And as tears began falling from my eyes, I felt as though God was letting me know I was going to be okay.
There have been days where I have felt so far from okay. There have been days where the pain from missing him hurts more than it did the day he died.  I know heaven must be amazing. And I rejoice that my husband was saved. I rejoice that when he took his last breath on earth he met Jesus face to face. I know that my husband is no longer in pain. I know he is no longer sick.

But I miss him so much.I missed him the second he took his last breath, every second since and will miss him until the day I die.  I miss him at breakfast because he's not sitting across from me. I miss him in the evening because he's not walking through the front door after work. I miss him on Sunday's because he's not on the platform at church with his bass guitar. I miss him when I am folding laundry and his clothes aren't in the pile. I miss him when I am cooking dinner because he is not there. I miss him when I am drinking my coffee because he didn't make it. I miss him when I am driving to church. I miss him when I am laying down to go to sleep at night.

I have cried a multitude of tears. I have been left without words because of the pain. I have hurt so much without him here. I wanted 50 years of marriage with him. I only got 7. This has been the hardest year. Nothing can prepare you for the pain that comes from losing a spouse. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and grow old with passed away at 31 years old. The intensity of the pain I have experienced can't be described in words.

But I have felt the hand of God upon my life every single day.  Even when words escape me in prayer because I am consumed by tears, I have felt God.  Even when I have had questions and haven't understood why my husband died, I have felt God. Even when I wondered if I would ever smile again, I have felt God.

God has been so close to the brokenhearted. He has been my comfort when I have felt nothing but sorrow. He has been my rock when I wondered how I would make it. He has been my strength when I have felt so weak. He has been my peace when things just didn't make sense. He has whispered  words of encouragement to my soul. He has reminded me that He would never leave me.  He has been my umbrella in the midst of the biggest storm of my life. He has been my nourishment in what seems like a dry and barren time. He has been my light when it seems so dark.

Today my children and I are celebrating my husband's first birthday in heaven. I don't want my children to ever hate certain days on the calendar. I don't want them to dread holidays. My husband passed away on Valentine's Day and I don't want my children to have negative feelings towards the day. So they'll get Valentine's Day presents. I will take them the Children's Museum, because my husband used to always take them there when he was out of the hospital and I was working. I will take them to the Guitar Center, because my husband loved that place. And I will take them to eat at the restaurant he and I always went to on dates. I am sure when the day comes to a close the emotions of the day will come rushing in like a strong wave but my children are watching me grieve.

I want them to see that sadness and happiness can coexist. I want them understand that sorrow and joy aren't enemies. I want them to know that grief and moving forward in life go hand in hand. But most of all I want them to see how in the darkest time of our life not only did I cling to God but God held on to us. As they get older and look back at this time, I want them to see the hand of God so clearly upon our life.
Today doesn't signify the end of grief. Tomorrow I won't wake up not missing my husband because the year anniversary has passed. But just as I have felt God so strongly during the last year, I know I will continue feeling Him strongly every day of my life. I can raise my hands in praise and worship to God because He is our savior. He spoke life into existence. He died on the cross for us. I may never understand why God called my husband home. But I can rejoice because my husband is in heaven.

This earth truly is not our home. Some may live to 80 and others may die young but we will all stand before God one day. What we do on earth and how we live our life really does effect where we will spend eternity. I am thankful that when my husband died the words I know he must have heard from God were "well done my good and faithful servant." And those are the words I want to hear one day as well.


IG: @kimjoylira
FB: https://www.facebook.com/prayersformelchor/
Church I attend: http://www.firstupcsa.org/

 I missed you the day you died. I have missed you every day since. And I will miss you until I take my last breath.