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Showing posts from March, 2018

Why aren't you over it yet?

Why aren't you over it yet?

Thank God I don't get hate mail, but I follow other widows on social media and these are the types of questions they receive at times. Those who ask are probably well-meaning but they don't understand grief. They don't understand what it is like to have a spouse die.

This has been a tough week. I was hoping I was over tough weeks. Some have said that the second year of grief is harder than the first but the first month after the one  year anniversary of my husband's death was a pretty good month. I could feel the healing. I could feel restoration. But then I had a tough week.  And I guess I'm not over tough weeks. And I realize that I probably won't ever be over tough weeks.

And honestly that realization kind of sucks. 
 I cried driving home from church on Sunday because my husband wasn't there any more to sit next to me in church. I cried while making dinner on Monday because I wasn't making dinner for my husband. I cri…

To the person who is dying....

Three years ago this month my husband started chemotherapy. And while we were so hopeful that he would survive, a year ago last month he passed away. The first year of treatment everything was going the way doctor's hoped. He responded well to the chemotherapy. He was in remission. But the second year we received nothing but negative reports. I sat on a hospital bed, holding my husband's hand multiple times listening to the doctor's tell us that the cancer had spread, he was no longer eligible for treatment, there was nothing more they could do and that we should prepare ourselves for his possible death. Those words sting.

And so I write this letter to you from the perspective of a wife who lost her best friend. During the last few months of his life, my husband was paralyzed due to the chemotherapy and confined to a bed. When I look at the candid pictures I took of him during that time, the pictures that he didn't realize I was taking, I can almost read his mind and s…

To the new widow....It does get better

To the new widow,

You may be reading this wondering if the laughter will ever return, if joy will ever be your friend again and whether there are ever bright days ahead.

It does get better.

A year ago today I had been a widow for 15 days and I wrote this blog. Those early days of grief are both a blur and so fresh on my mind. On the outside I looked like everyone else. I took my children to the zoo. I went grocery shopping. I returned to work. I made my regular Target runs. I am far from retirement age and so no one would have suspected that I was even a widow. But I was. And I was hurting beyond words will ever convey.

At the end of the night after my two children had fallen asleep when the world was quiet around me the tears would fall. And they would fall relentlessly. The tears didn't fall silently, they were accompanied by the almost inability to breathe as the sobs were so loud and so deep. My amazing 31 year old husband and father of two was no longer living and although I…