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Showing posts from April, 2018

Widowed in your thirties.....

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Did you know May 3rd was National Widow's Day? Neither did I until I became a widow last year.

A person is not supposed to become a widow (or widower) in their thirties. I thought I would join this club when I was 90, not in my thirties. I thought my husband would grow old with me and not die at 31. I thought my children would have decades with their dad, not lose him when they were 5 and 6. When we think of the widow, we think of someone who is in their 90s', was married for 60 years and has children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Yet there are many faces of a widow. No one wants to join this club called widowhood. The initiation is brutal. The journey painful.




I am the face of a widow. When I am taking my children to their doctor appointments, shopping in the store, or on vacation no one would suspect I am a widow. And yet I am. I used to describe myself as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a Christian, a writer. I now add widow to that list. Becoming a wid…

God is close to the brokenhearted

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They say grief is like the ocean waves in the background of this picture.




 In the beginning when loss is first experienced, the waves are brutally powerful and they hit relentlessly without taking much pause in between waves. They knock you down. They hit and hit and then hit some more. As time passes, the waves are further apart, but I've found they hit with the same force. This week has been tough. I miss my husband. I miss the father of my children. I miss the things we used to do. I mourn the things we were never able to do. Last night I asked God if it was always going to hurt so much. Because it hurts a lot. Almost 15 months have passed since my husband was alive, but it still hurts...a lot. I've gotten so used to being an only parent and a widow there are times it seems hard to remember that I was once a wife and co-parent. And that hurts. I have found that it's just not holidays or birthdays when the waves of grief come.

For me this week the wave hit when I was tea…

Lord, Help me with my unbelief...

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When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014 we believed that not only could God heal him, but that God would heal him. There were many times within his two year battle with cancer, that we witnessed God perform what science said could not be done. And so with all of my heart, even when the situation became so bleak, I trusted, had faith and declared that my husband would be healed on earth. But he wasn’t healed on earth. God didn’t perform the miracle we so desperately wanted. God allowed a 31 year old to die. He allowed a thirty-something year old to become a widow. He allowed a five year old and six year old to become fatherless. And when God called my husband home to heaven, I started to lose something.
I didn’t lose my love for God. I didn’t lose my praise to God. I didn’t lose the worship I offered to God. I didn’t lose the gratitude I had towards everything God was doing in my life. I didn’t lose my belief that God could do anything. But I started to lose my …