In the beginning when loss is first experienced, the waves are brutally powerful and they hit relentlessly without taking much pause in between waves. They knock you down. They hit and hit and then hit some more. As time passes, the waves are further apart, but I've found they hit with the same force. This week has been tough. I miss my husband. I miss the father of my children. I miss the things we used to do. I mourn the things we were never able to do. Last night I asked God if it was always going to hurt so much. Because it hurts a lot. Almost 15 months have passed since my husband was alive, but it still hurts...a lot. I've gotten so used to being an only parent and a widow there are times it seems hard to remember that I was once a wife and co-parent. And that hurts. I have found that it's just not holidays or birthdays when the waves of grief come.
For me this week the wave hit when I was teaching my children how to mow a lawn knowing that my husband would have taken so much joy in letting Malachi push the lawn mower.
The wave hit when we went to breakfast as a family of three instead of a family of 4.
It hit when were were playing baseball because I knew Mel would have loved that they were old enough to play sports.
It hit when I was looking at pictures of them now and pictures of them when they were younger and thinking of how much they've grown and how Mel isn't here to witness them growing.
The wave hit when I was listening to my daughter read.
It hit as I watched my son do multiplication.
It hit as they were riding their bikes.
This week the wave of grief hit. And it hit hard. And I asked God last night if my heart was always going to hurt so much.
Because it hurts that we only had 7 years of marriage.
It hurts that he isn't here to witness and be there for our children as they grow up.
It hurts that he isn't here to do all of the things that husband's and father's do.
It hurts that he is gone.
It hurts that I am left with just memories.
Last night, through tears I asked God if it was always going to hurt and this morning Psalm 34:18 came to mind "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I believe it will always hurt to some degree. I believe that the waves of grief will be constant throughout my life. They won't always come in such short intervals. They won't always pound as relentlessly as they have been this week. But I am sure holidays will always hurt to some degree. I am sure random Monday's where I just miss his voice, his scent, his touch will always hurt. But I don't need to run away from the hurt. I don't need to hide the hurt. I don't need try and make it not hurt. I don't need to act like it doesn't hurt. Because God is close to the brokenhearted.
The waves of grief don't constantly hit me anymore. While a day doesn't pass where I don't miss my husband, there are weeks that go by where the pain isn't as intense. But when the waves of grief are hitting, God is there.God is going close to me for as long as it hurts. And if weeks pass by before the next wave of grief hits, God will be there when the wave hits again. When I cry because there are 3 table settings and no longer 4, God will be there. When I cry because my husband isn't there to hear my daughter read, God will be there. When I cry because my husband isn't there to kick a soccer ball with the kids, God will be there. When I hurt because he isn't there when we go on vacation, God will be there. He will always be there.
God isn't leaving my side. He is aware of the pain. He is close to me.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
The church I attend: http://www.firstupcsa.org/