When my husband was first diagnosed with cancer in December of 2014 we believed that not only could God heal him, but that God would heal him. There were many times within his two year battle with cancer, that we witnessed God perform what science said could not be done. And so with all of my heart, even when the situation became so bleak, I trusted, had faith and declared that my husband would be healed on earth. But he wasn’t healed on earth. God didn’t perform the miracle we so desperately wanted. God allowed a 31 year old to die. He allowed a thirty-something year old to become a widow. He allowed a five year old and six year old to become fatherless. And when God called my husband home to heaven, I started to lose something.
I didn’t lose my love for God.
I didn’t lose my praise to God.
I didn’t lose the worship I offered to God.
I didn’t lose the gratitude I had towards everything God was doing in my life.
I didn’t lose my belief that God could do anything. But I started to lose my belief that God would do it.
Whenever I heard people or preachers talk about praying and asking God and believing that God would fulfill the need in your life within my heart there was a little bit of unbelief. I believed God could do anything, but a piece of me doubted that He actually would. I experienced first-hand God not doing something in my life. I experienced first-hand a need that was so real not being answered the way my heart desired it. Asking God to heal my husband on earth wasn’t a prayer asked amiss. It wasn’t selfish desiring that my children had their earthly dad with them as they grew up. My need was real. And I presented that need to God believing that He would heal my husband. But He didn’t heal him on earth. And although I knew and had peace and rejoiced that my husband was now in heaven, at the same time the immense amount of pain I endured as a result of his death was real. And because I had experienced first-hand when God didn’t, I began to doubt that He would when I presented my needs to Him. I still believed He could. But I didn’t believe He would.
I love how God will reveal to us the things we have hidden in our heart, the things that affect our relationship with Him. And He reveals these things to us out of love. God began to reveal to me the unbelief that was growing. He placed the following story in my heart. In Mark we read the story of a father who brought his son to Jesus. The father said “Teacher, I brought You my son, who has a mute spirit.” (Mark 9:17). And then we read verses 23 and 24 “Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord I believe; help me with my unbelief!”
I love this story. This father had faith that Jesus could heal his son. We see this because he took the effort to go to the disciples and Jesus for the healing. But there was a piece of him that had unbelief. It may have just been a small piece, but there was some unbelief in his heart. This story speaks so much to me because it isn’t enough for me to admit I have areas of unbelief in my life, I have to give my unbelief to God and ask Him to help me. And that is what I have been doing on a daily basis. I ask God to heal me from the hurt that is in my heart. I ask Him to heal me from the pain I have from God not healing my husband. And I ask Him to help me with my unbelief. Satan would love for that unbelief to remain in my heart. He would love for me to have doubt because even though it may be small now, eventually that doubt will grow and it will keep me from going to God with my needs. And so as God reveals to me the things hidden in my heart, I give those things to God. I ask Him to take them. I ask Him to help me.
Sometimes our image of God prevents us from going to Him and acknowledging the things affecting our relationship with Him. We don't view Him as a loving Father who cares enough for us that He would help us with the areas we struggle or the hurts we may have. We think we have to be perfect so we hide the imperfections in our heart. But He loves us enough to not only show us what we have hidden in our heart, but to help us with those areas. God doesn't want us to hide from Him the areas we are struggling with. He wants us to bring to Him all of the things we struggle with. Because when we bring it to Him, He is able to help us.
Today, I encourage you to ask God to inspect your heart. Ask Him to reveal to you the things you have hidden. It may be unbelief like I had. Or it may be something different. Whatever it is that you have hidden in your heart, give it to God and ask God to help you with it.