My children ask me some tough questions and while I love that they feel comfortable asking me anything and am thankful that they aren't afraid to come to me with whatever thoughts and questions are on their mind, there are times when they ask me a question and I am lost trying to come up with an answer. Hannah often asks me when I am going to get re-married because she wants a dad. Malachi will usually reply that he is happy with us being a family of three. Those conversations I can handle. I can come up with some sort of reply to satisfy those questions and comments. But the other night my son asked me a question that I found pretty difficult to answer.
He asked,"Mommy, do you want to get re-married?" It shouldn't be so difficult of a question to answer. It is either yes, I want to get re-married or no I do not. However, it was difficult. It was complicated. It was confusing. I came up with an age-appropriate answer to the question but after my children fell asleep, I reflected on that question for a long time. Can I just be honest? I hate that that is even a question my children have to ask. I hate that I wasn't given 50 years of marriage with my husband and my children weren't given a lifetime with him. I hate that conversations at bedtime revolve around whether or not I want to get re-married.
If Malachi asked me "Mommy, do you want to to be married?" that would be an easy question to answer, because yes, I want to be married. However, I want to be married to Mel. I want God to rewind time and instead of my husband being diagnosed with cancer on December 30, 2014, I want the diagnosis to be pneumonia. I want my old life back. I want the old Kimberli back. I want to wake up in the morning married to Melchor Lira. And that is not happening. I loved being a wife. And it hurts when I see married couples my age as well as married couples older than me because it reminds me of what I lost. But there is a danger in wanting to be re-married for the sole purpose of being a wife. Because more specifically than loving being a wife, I loved being Melchor Lira's wife. I loved waking up to him every morning. I loved texting him throughout the day. I loved making his breakfast and planning our dinner menu based on what he liked. I loved holding his hand. I loved sitting next to him in church. I loved that he was in every single one of my dreams and plans for the future. And on February 14, 2017 I lost all of that. And re-marriage won't bring that back.
I don't enjoy being a widow because I don't think it is natural for a person in their 30s to lose a spouse. My life is complicated. It is challenging. It is painful. I have so many questions. I don't understand a lot of things. There is an innocence that was lost but re-marriage won't bring that innocence back. There is an immense pain I feel on a regular basis but re-marriage won't take away the hurt from experiencing the death of my husband. I mourn and miss my husband but re-marriage won't make me stop missing him. I miss my old life but re-marriage won't bring it back. I hurt that my children don't have a father, but re-marriage won't bring their biological dad back. This doesn't mean I am opposed to re-marriage, but it does mean that if I ever got re-married it would have to be for the right reasons. I can't re-marry because I want what I used to have. I can't re-marry thinking that it will heal my hurt. I can't re-marry thinking it will solve the problem of my children losing their dad. I can't re-marry thinking it will fix my complicated life. I can't re-marry because I hate the title of widow. If I pursued re-marriage for the wrong reasons, it would be a disaster.
The only way re-marriage would work is if I allow God to work on me right now. The only way it would work is if I was truly content as a widow. The only way it would work is if I allowed God to heal the hurt that has en-grafted itself on my heart. The only way it would work is if I allowed God to fill the void that is missing from my life. The only way it would work is if I allowed God to restore the innocence that was lost and the ability I had to dream. The only way it would work is if I allowed God to be the father that my children lost.
And so the question, "Mommy, do you want to get re-married?" is a tough question. I honestly don't know the answer to it.